Heartbeat
by AuthorSarahC
Summary: A little over a year after Rafael leaves, the squad is attempting to move on with their lives. Olivia enjoys what she thinks is a morning to sleep in, but it is quickly interrupted when she receives a startling phone call. St. Theresa's Charter school is infiltrated by a sex trafficking ring, and now is holding its occupants hostage. Rated T for violent situations. Barson for sure.
1. Chapter 1

"**Heartbeat"**

By: Sarah Carey

**8:06 a.m.**

"_Benson? Lieutenant Benson?"_ a nostalgic sounding voice whispered and crackled, pleading from the other end of the phone. Her accident was thick, combined with hints of fear and possibly pain. The sound sent chills down Olivia's back,

"_This is she," _Olivia offered, sitting up abruptly out of bed. She began rubbing her head with her free hand, spider senses now tingling and she was thankful Lucy had taken Noah for a sleep over.

It had been a grueling few weeks at work, having a serial rapist on the loose. The perp was somewhat of a brilliant yet sick mind and they'd had a hard time discerning his MO let alone tracking him. If it wasn't for the yellow rose he'd left with each of the victims before assaulting them, there'd be nothing linking them together at all.

And last night when she came home after yet another twelve hour shift, she'd seen it there. A limp and lifeless yellow rose laying against the door. She had decided to let Lucy take Noah, that way if it wasn't just someone playing a prank she'd know he'd be safe. Shaking away the cobwebs she tried again,

"_May I ask who I'm speaking with?" _she inquired politely; when the person hadn't spoken up. The faint sound of their shaky breath was the only indication the call hadn't dropped.

Looking at the clock on the night stand, she saw the time reflected back at her as she hopped out of bed.

**8:07 a.m. **

She made a mental note of it as she dressed in haste. She had been doing this job long enough to know when something was wrong. The woman on the other end began speaking against, confirming her suspicions.

"_I was told to call you, if I ever… if anything-" _she began unable to get the words out properly.

"_If you can't tell me __**who**__ you are, perhaps you could tell me __**how**__ I can help?" _Olivia questioned reassuringly, hoping to get some answers.

"_They have guns, lots of guns, and the children will be arriving soon…" _her voice faded replaced now with inexplicable sobs._ "I'm their principle, the vice president is dead, and I think the secretary is dead. I don't know if you're the right one to call, they didn't check emf or a phone and I knew this was my only chance, I knew I had to," _she spoke fighting back the tears.

Before she could question any further she heard the woman rambled praying incoherently to herself on the other line. She replayed the women's words I her mind as quickly as she could trying to pick out the facts. What schools were near her? Had she dealt with any victims who were teachers lately? Was this somehow some sort of sick trick?

"_Is anyone in any danger," _Olivia probed, knowing she needed to treat this case as seriously as if it were unfolding in front of her,_ "are there __**children**__ in danger?" _she clarified, halting her motions, half-dressed.

If this was serious, this could be an immediate all to the FBI, to their SWAT. This was out of the rank or jurisdiction of SVU even if she was a Lieutenant now. At the mention of guns, and children Olivia felt her own blood begin to seethe. The understanding that this didn't feel like a prank washing over her. Her eyes were wide as she braced herself for a response, trying to gage the severity of the situation.

"_Yes," _the woman confirmed, muffling a sob.

"_Mam, where are you?" _Olivia inquired, grabbing a pen and pad from her night stand while scribbling down everything she could remember. The woman's accent sounded Hispanic, maybe Cuban? Definitely older, distraught but coherent, she worked at a school, there were possibly two dead, men with guns,

The more she wrote the more terrified Olivia became.

_**8:09a.m.**_

"_St. Theresa's Charter School for girls," _the woman responded, now feeling far away_, "the one in the Bronx," she added as an afterthought knowing they were all over the city. _

"_You don't have much longer," _she cried,_ "Please help the children."_

"_Are you hurt?" _Olivia asked, hearing the turn in the conversation_._

"_I'm in a janitor's closet, and yes, I've been stabbed," _she offered, now breathless_._

"_Mam, just try to stay with me. Leave the knife wherever it is. I'm going to get you help. But I need you to help me first, how many men did you see? I need to assess the situation so we can get a team in there,"_

"_Four," _the woman offered, her voice sounding quieter and farther away._ "Maybe more."_

Olivia could hear gun shoots erupting in the back ground.

"_Mam, are you still there?" _Olivia pleaded, putting the phone on speaker and ripping on her boots.

"_I have to go now," _the woman whispered, almost inaudibly over the gunfire. There was a break in the shoots, when Liv heard men screaming in a foreign language she couldn't make out,

"_And Olivia," _the woman addressed her, as informally as if they'd met before,_ "take care of my Rafa" _

The gunfire exploded louder, evidently ricocheting off the surrounding walls. The woman's voice remained even, but she spoke no longer. Liv's fingers encircled the phone, gripping the device as tight as she could. As her knuckles were turning white she swore the device may snap in half from the force she was exerting. There were few times in her life she experienced this feeling of helplessness, and now as the muffled prayers of this stranger resounded through the phone, was one of them.

_Rafa?…- _Olivia considered, still holding the phone to her ear, hoping this woman could feel her unspoken support through the phone. She wasn't alone, she was going to find her. But why did that name sound so familiar. The voice, the accent, eliciting feelings of nostalgia until suddenly her hand dropped the phone.

The weighted item slid through her now sweating fingers, until it dropped to the floor, hiding on the bottom edge creating a thud noise and flipping to land on its screen. _No!_ Olivia whispered, her heart now thumping painfully against her chest.

She could feel her hands, the tingles spreading like wildfire through her body. She leaned over grasping at the ground for her phone. Her eyes could barely see through the tears now beginning to well up, when she realized that she knew _exactly _who was on the other end of that phone.

"_Mrs. Barba!"_ Olivia mumbled, attempting to clear the emotion from her voice, but she must have set her phone down because all Olivia could hear was a barely audible praying, in a rushed mumble like fashion before the praying was replaced by a thunderous crashing sound.

The gunfire erupted louder, and faster, until the call was dropped.

**12:03p.m.**

The only rebounding noise inside the squad room was the printer shaking, as it spit out various documents. The sound of the old rickety machine gasping towards its last breath- was the only one plaguing the air of the distinctly quite squad room. The eerie silence, coupled with the egg shells everyone seemed to be walking on, was creating an uncharacteristic scene in the 16th precinct.

Carisi opened his desk drawer to search for a pen when he heard the printer finish, upchucking its final massacred tree particle. Rollins opened her desk drawer to retrieve a clip, and stood to grab the papers. A buzz from her cell phone shook her back pocket, and caused her to jerk; causing the warm stack of papers she just retrieved, to explode in her hands, and glide towards the ground in a tornado like fashion.

Blueprints of the layout to St. Theresa's Charter – Bronx, littered the ground, alongside fire escape routes, and google maps of the surrounding perimeter.

A tin container of paper clips knocked over and cascaded across Carisi's metal desk, when he turned around and kneeled down to help his best friend. The paperclips washed across the desk, down onto the dirty linoleum, subsequently adding to the noise.

Carisi's cheeks blushed, when he saw his hands tremble slightly as he handed a few sheets of paper back to Rollins. Just before he stood up, he turned around, knees still bent, and smacked his cheek directly into his desk drawer.

"_Son of a…"_ he called out, stroking his cheek gently as he slammed the offending drawer shut.

Fin rubbed his hands over his face, attempting to imagine himself _anywhere_ else at the moment. A man of few words, and many hidden emotions, he tried to keep his thoughts in check. When Liv had called him into her office earlier he was concerned she was at her breaking point. But that was two hours ago, and he wasn't sure how much more she could take.

They had been in a lot of tough situations together, and they'd made it through them, but none quite like this. Every one of them had been on edge since receiving their Lieutenant's call around 9 o'clock that morning. Making it back to the squad room in record time they were quickly updated on the specifics of the case.

Liv had alerted Dodd's first who assured her he'd call the appropriate channels and for her to meet him immediately. After filling everyone in she assured him she was ready to move in but was told by 1PP, and hostage negotiations they needed to sit back, and wait. There was something about the look in Liv's eyes, the uncharacteristic way her hands shook. This case, 1PP feared, was _too close _to home.

Hearing something smashing into the wall of her closed office door, the team knew better than to ask for an update. It was rare for Liv to become so unhinged; even after William Lewis she never seemed to allow her façade of composure to be broken. After a few more seconds of debating Fin decided to make sure Liv was OK.

They team had been doing all the preparing they could in case they were called in for back up. Or, more likely, a rouge operation. None of them were happy with the Dodd's decision for them to stand down. While they knew they would never be allowed to take point on a case so far out of their jurisdiction they were shocked they weren't allowed on scene as a professional curtesy.

Rafael hadn't been seen in over a year, but the loyalty and ties of friendship bound them together for eternity. However, now Lucia was the_ only_ family Barba had now that he had "moved on" from SVU. Knowing this, they'd be damned if they didn't' do **everything **in their power to save her.

Dodd's and Olivia quickly decided that they wouldn't call Barba, until they knew _something _concrete. They weren't even entirely sure they still knew how to get ahold of him since his subsequent transfer back to Bronx. There had been talk of him receiving a promotion a few months back, but since then no one had really heard anything.

Rollins stood to align their bullet proof vests, gunshot shields, ammunition. Carisi now arranged their blueprints making sure everything was stacked up on a table underneath the bulletin board. Easily accessible items if Liv were to make the call they go to the Bronx to access the situation themselves.

Each of them knew that they could lose their jobs if they crossed out of their jurisdiction, after being given a direct order to stand down. But they were willing to do it, if Liv only asked.

**12:11p.m.**

As Fin stood to approach her office door, a single loud pitched ring sliced through the air of the squad room. A ring heard so infrequently in the modern age, that it took everyone a second to realize the sound was coming from Finn's desk phone. He went to reach for it, locking eyes with Rollins, when suddenly hers began ringing as well.

Fin's hand stilled mid-air, as the entire room came to a halt. Then three, four, five, different desk phones began ringing at the same time.

Olivia stepped out of her office cautiously, donning mascara stained eyes. There was a small cut on her cheek, obvious ricochet from whatever it was she had smashed. When she stepped into the bull pen, to check her hearing she instinctively reached for her weapon, as the entire squad mirrored her actions.

While she wasn't sure what good it would do, but the gun had become an additional limb and a comfort when facing the unknown. Carisi reached to grab for his phone but Olivia held her hand up, stopping him.

"Finn," Olivia countered confidently, motioning to her Sargent to instruct him to grab the phone.

With a simple nod he reached for the receiver almost anxious for the news. They'd been pacing the floors for hours waiting on hostage negotiation or ESU to give them some sort of update. Dodd's had assured him he'd taken care of everything, and would update them but they hadn't heard a word in over an hour.

An hour ago, when Dodd's did finally call Liv he told her to stand down; not once, not twice, but three times. They threatened to pull her shield if she violated a direct order again, and it wasn't until then that she finally calmed down enough to listen to them. The entire school had been taken over and there were a few hundred children being held hostage at gun point. Lucia, was the principle of the charter school.

"Yeah," Fin replied noncommittally, and after a voice on the other end said something else, he replied "yes," more confidently before touching the speaker button, and motioning to Liv to come there.

"Captain Murphy for Lieutenant Benson, NOW" Murphy barked his baritone voice echoing off the squad room walls unable to contain his rage.

"Captain here," Olivia replied curiously, stepping closer to phone. Dodd's hadn't mentioned anything about Murphy being involved. If someone from their Manhattan team was already there, why wasn't her squad allowed to assist?

"We had to use the landline, your cell phones maybe tapped. Don't use them, or the radios." He ordered, as Olivia looked to Finn wondering why they were hearing from their ex lieutenant turned Captain. Murphy was supposed to still be undercover working a sex trafficking ring. The same sex trafficking ring that produced the father of Olivia's foster son.

"The sting goes deeper than we thought, it leads all the way back to what I started working undercover on the west coast," Murphy spoke quickly, as the team huddled around Liv trying to make out what he was saying. "The teachers Olivia, they're a part of the _ring_," he added, hoping she was understanding his involvement.

The ringing phones began echoing again in the background, and Rollin reached to answer hers, when just in time, Murphy yelled,

"Don't take any other calls, unplug those phones now, or you won't be able to follow the next order I give you,"

Rollins looked at her boss, hand resting upon the not retrieved receiver.

"Do you still trust me Liv?" Captain Murphy asked, realizing no one hadn't spoken a word since she took the phone.

"Yes," she replied automatically, knowing that this man had risked his shield for her, and she would damn well return the favor.

"Then get your team down here now, Bronx hostage team and their SVU unit have been infiltrated by the ring, I can't trust any of them, and I can't alert them by calling FBI. Dodd's is being told to stand down and he specifically ordered me not to call you. There's a school of three hundred and fifty kids in there, being locked in the auditorium by a half dozen members of the ring."

Olivia's mind was racing a mile a minute. It was finally Finn who spoke up,

"But what does the ring want to do with some measly charter school in the Bronx?" he asked, placing words to the questions lingering in all of their minds.

"They know Bronx SVU arrested their general and they're trying to negotiate for his release. I'm second in command in Bapoloa, but this is the Degante Sector and I have no pull her. Thankfully my UC hasn't been compromised, but they've already killed a few people. I can't take them on alone, and I can't trust Bronx to keep me alive."

"So what do you need from us?" Rollins asked, huddling next to Liv and Finn.

"I can get you inside the building, have you ever seen it?" Murphy asked,

"We have a blue print of layout, we can see fire exits two and four seem like the best routes," Rollins answered, carrying the layout over to the bulletin board and pining it up.

"Use exit point two before the auditorium entrance, can you see it?"

"Yeah, we got it," Carisi responded.

"I'll disable the fire alarms now, and Lieutenant, Rollins stays back, or none of you come, that's an order" Murphy declared. Liv turned towards Rollins quirking her eye brow for a second, before turning back to the phone.

"Deal," she agreed, holding her hand up before Rollins could protest. "We'll be there stat,"

**12:14p.m. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Heartbeat**

**Chapter 2: **Unchartered Waters

_By: Sarah Carey_

As the unmarked van pulled to the surrounding perimeter, they were quickly spotted by local news cameras. Fin pulled the van around the block, attempting to find a different way into the chaos that had erupted in the south Bronx. The word had quickly spread, turning viral news that a catholic charter school was under lock down. The media spun the tale that there was an armed shooter, but thanks to Captain Murphy, the SVU team knew better.

The old boss had still been under cover, attempting to track the sex trafficking ring all the way to its core. Evidently, some of the members were working as teachers in said school, allowing them their pick of which students to smuggle into the ring. Though Olivia did wonder how they had managed to hide in plain sight for so long.

"_It looks like this alley is as far as we're gonna get_," Fin offered, speaking over the sirens and helicopters above. Liv nodded from the passenger seat, looking in the back to Carisi and two other officers who had volunteered for the trip. John and Mark often assisted on a hand full of things in there past few months at SVU, but they were still the newbies.

"_I'm only going to offer this once, because once we're in there you don't have the liberty to change your mind. This is, a rogue operation, violating a direct order. If you choose to follow me in there, you must understand that,-" _Liv was speaking calmly and concisely. They had no back up, if they were going in they were not only going in blind, but they were going in without the support of the NYPD. If things were to go badly, there's a chance they may not make it out.

"_Lieu," _Fin began, "_We ain't __**just**__ doing this for you baby. It's a school full of middle school kids, we have don't have a choice,"_

"_Yeah, I mean what if it was Noah, or Jessie?" _Carisi added as an afterthought. "_Besides," _he said shaking the aforementioned idea of Jessie from his mind,_ "we trust your lead boss, we follow you," _he continued, as the other officers in the back seat nodded.

"_I got your back," _Fin said, securing his bullet proof vest without making eye contact. Their bond was the longest one she had at SVU, and it was by far the most unique. Fin didn't use his words to communicate, he used his actions. Him being here as her Sergeant, understanding far better than any of their younger officers what was at stake, spoke volumes to his loyalty to her.

Liv didn't allow the moment to sink in, because if she did she feared it would made her too emotional. This team, her squad, had become so much more than a bunch of fellow officers who worked together. It reminded her of a time when her bond with Elliot ran so deep, it was more than being friends. But now, that band of closeness, the one she only let stretch to Elliot, was stretched to encompass more; it was a bond she shared with her _entire _team. And she knew it was why they all worked so well together.

They were here risking their shields, their reputations, and their lives because of their faith in her. They knew that even when the lines seemed blurred for them, Olivia would always lead them to do what was right.

Carisi nodded to his other officers, and opened the back of the van getting out swiftly as the three of them took off on foot to access the situation. Fin and Liv stayed back to study the blue prints Rollins had printed out. They didn't have eyes they could trust on the scene.

There was no one else from Manhattan there, and Murphy had made it clear that the Bronx SVU and their PD unit had been infiltrated. There were members of the ring working within the ranks, and it solidified that they couldn't be trusted to have their backs. Anyone could turn on them at any moment. Within twenty minutes Carisi and the two agents were back, sliding the van doors shut behind them.

"_There's two officers west side of the cafeteria, guarding the emergency exits to the road. If we can take them out, with Murphy having disabled the alarms, we should be able to jack open those doors, and free some of the kids,"_ Carisi began, explaining what their search had revealed to them. "_But Lieu, ESU is on their way we have to move now, or we're gonna lose our blind spot to get in_,"

"_All right, Murphy is going to make sure we get in the door, but after that, we're on our own. They still believe he's one of them, so we'll have to make sure there are no slip ups. Carisi you and I will go in first, we need to see how many guards are blocking the cafeteria doors, and how many are inside before we can start letting the kids out," _She suggested.

"_Fin, you John and Mark take point outside the Cafeteria. I'll need you there to guard the kids and make sure they come out safely. After the kids are secured, I'll find Lucia. But don't move in until we give you our signal._"

"_We're ready boss_,"Fin offered, and as Olivia opened the door to step out she felt a hand on her arm and turned back, "_Be careful Liv," _he said softly, nodding firmly at her.

She offered a half smile, "_You too Oda."_

Before anyone could say any more, Olivia was out the door not bothering to make sure Carisi was behind her. After dash and run moves between various trees, signs, cars, and buildings they had approached a safe space against the far wall of the exit instructed to them by Murphy. Olivia leaned carefully, glancing in and catching his eye. He gave her barely seen 'no', and she quickly leaned down out of sight.

"_You good Carisi?" _Liv asked noticing the sweat beading off his forehead. But before he could answer they were interrupted by a light six tap knock, on the door. Olivia tapped back, altering him that they were still there, and before she could finish the door opened as he pulled them swiftly inside.

"_There's a dozen," _Murphy began, skipping introductions. _"Two in the principal's office holding some hostages," _he explained pointing in the corresponding direction with his machine gun._ "Two in the auditorium guarding the exit door and there's got to be twenty kids in there." _He explained, wiping the sweat on his forehead.

"_The other two exits, 1 and 4 each have a gunman at them, but now that you're here I can go take of them. The rest of the kids are in the cafeteria. Two at the exits, and four inside keeping them quiet. If you go this way," _he pointed, "_it'll take you to the auditorium, and then eventually the cafeteria." _

Liv and Carisi listened intently, feeling their heartbeats speed as their adrenaline was in full force. They weren't sure what they were expecting, but hearing that there was a dozen armed sex traffickers holding students hostage, was more than they had initially assumed. The fight was going to be three against twelve, and they didn't have anyone to call for back up.

"_Look_ _I know we're out numbered," _Murphy began, seeing the trepidation across their faces,_ "So we work quiet, we work smart, and trust our training and we'll get these kids out of here alive. Hell maybe with some luck we may actually make it out of here too." _

Liv offered him a halfhearted nod and they turned in opposite directions to wondering if it would be the last time. Although when she thought of Noah she could feel her heart almost burst. Her sweet boy, alone in this world. Would Amanda take him? She had hoped she would, he always loved Jessie and his Aunt Amanda.

When they rounded the first corner Liv took the lead, trusting Carisi to guard her backside. After three more hallways, he saw her tense and pull back swiftly as she ducked her head around the corner. When she turned back to Carisi she nodded, signaling their first gunman was directly around the corner.

They had finally breached the auditorium. What was it Murphy has said, she thought back making sure she had every piece of information. They were going to have to make the best possible calls with the information they had, which wasn't much.

It finally made sense to her how dangerous it all was. Why there were teams put in place to access such matters. Their lives were always on the line in this job, but never like they were now. If they made one mistake, one slip up, they could die. If they were trapped, there wouldn't be anyone to know to even come looking for them.

Carisi grabbed his baton, and motioned without touching anything, that he wanted to tap on the lockers. Perhaps the noise would trigger one of the gunman to come around the corner, allowing Liv to grab and restrain him. Liv, understanding his thoughts nodded but placed her hand in the air, her finger pointing to give her a minute. He could tell from the slight tremor there that she was scared, and the thought terrified him.

There wasn't any real moments in the past that he could remember his Lieutenant being afraid. But the fact that even though she was afraid and she was here anyway, gave him hope. These kids had a real life superhero coming to fight for them, and he knew because of her, they stood a chance.

She grabbed her gun holster, unclipping her gun but not removing it, and she stepped back, motioning for Carisi to begin tapping. He pulled his gun towards the open corner with open hand, and began a tapping like noise against the metal lockers with his baton, hearing the noise echo the hall, sending a shiver down their spines.

They heard a voice of one of the gunman call in a language that sounded like Russian, once, then twice, waiting for the explanation of the noise from what they assumed would be another one of their members. However, when no response was made, a skimpy strung out looking gunman turned the corner, shocked, and stumbling into Olivia.

He opened his mouth to yell and before he could Olivia pulled her gun, smacking him in the head, rendering him unconscious. She sort of half dropped him, unprepared with how quickly his body slumped against her pushing her into the lockers on his journey to the ground. The sound her body hitting the metal alerted the other gunman and he yelled after his companion, soon following in his footsteps.

Carisi ran up swiftly, as Liv attempted to untangle her feet from the first gunman's limp body and mirrored her actions, knocking him unconscious but not before he yelled out something he didn't understand. Reaching into her pockets she removed the zip ties she had taken from the van, securing their hands and feet, and pushing them against the wall while Carisi held point. They weren't sure how far the cafeteria was from the auditorium and they didn't know if more people would soon be coming.

As soon as Liv was done she drew her gun, and stood back to back with Carisi as they each starred down the hallway waiting. After what felt like an eternity of listening to one another's breathing, they realized thankfully no one had heard them.

"_Holy shit," _Carisi letting out his breath, and leaning over to grab his knees. Liv wasn't sure if he was going to throw up, and she decided to just stand guard and give him a minute. "_This is intense,"_ he added needlessly. Suddenly he was regretting Liv's confidence in his ability to back her up. Why hadn't she taken Fin? He was far calmer under pressure.

"_How are you so calm?"_ he asked her, no longer ashamed at his fear.

"_Because Carisi, there's children in there who need us. We don't have time to be afraid. And even if we don't get any farther than this,"_ she said motioning to the two men on the ground, "_We helped our fellow officers save these kids. There's two less men that can hurt anyone," _she offered, pulling her hair back and securing it. "_Now are you ready?" _she asked, offering him no more time to collect himself.

"_Ready boss,"_ he said feeling some of his confidence return to him. She was right. Even this small act, had accomplished something good. He just had to remind himself of the kids. That's why they were doing this. And Barba's mom; he wondered briefly if Barba had found out yet. But he was sure he had. It was all over the news now, and they could hear the helicopters, he was sure were both ESU and news agencies flying over the building.

They broached the auditorium doors, guns drawn as they swiftly stepped inside. The sight before them almost brought Olivia to tears. There was, as Murphy had guessed about twenty student, hovered in the center of the auditorium holding hands, praying. They looked up when they heard the doors open and Olivia and Carisi in unison motioning their finger to their lips. Pointing to her badge and Carisi pointing to the word _Police _printed on his bullet proof vest.

There was an audible gasp of relief when they walked up to them, motioning for them to all stand. After a few minutes of gathering information they discovered that there had been two men outside. Who each came in to check on them every few minutes, but they also learned that about every twenty minutes two guards would come down from what they thought was the Cafeteria, to make sure everything was under control. One of the children's mothers was a detective in the Bronx, and Olivia was grateful for the child's foresight to create a timeline.

However, this also meant they had about five minutes left until that check happened again.

"_All right, we're going to need you to wait here, and continue praying, can you do that?" _Carisi asked, motioning for Liv. After a quick discussion they realized they needed to drag the bodies from the hallway into the auditorium, that way they weren't immediately seen when they came to do their checks. After four brave volunteers came forward they helped Carisi pull the bodies in. "_They aren't dead," _Olivia said, unsure if she was trying to reassure them or warn them.

Like clockwork they heard boots approaching the hallway, and Olivia motioned for the kids to return to the center of the auditorium. After some calling around in the hallway, they heard guns being cocked as the doors to the auditorium swung open. Carisi on one side, and Olivia on the older huddled against the wall, now shielded by the opened doors. When the gunman, walking side by side, saw the children secure they lowered their weapons and turned to look at one another, just as the detectives jumped into action.

Knocking them unconscious, they secured their hands with the zip ties, their feet as well, placing the four men as far apart in the room as possible. The children, whose eyes were closed as instructed by Olivia, were quietly sobbing unsure of what horrors were happening around them.

"_They're going to come looking now that these guys won't be returning," _Olivia explained, motioning to the kids. _"We've got to move fast, "_

In single formation, with Carisi in the lead they made their way out of the auditorium, and back down the multiple hallways, towards the exit they had come in through. When they got to the door Olivia pulled them into a huddle,

"_Move quickly, stay together, and keep your hands UP okay, like this,"_ she mirrored, "_the snipers don't know who is a shooter, and who is a kid right now so you need to make sure you do this, you understand me?" _ Olivia asked, seeing the kids nodding. "_I need you to find this man," _she ordered pulling her silenced phone out and providing a picture._ "He's my Sargent. Do not talk to any of the other cops do you understand me?" _she pleaded to the young girls whose name she learned was Lexi, "_Tell him, Sargent Tutotla, that Liv & Carisi got you out, that there's six down, and six to go, can you remember that?"_

The kids nodded, tears following down their cheeks. "_Lexi_, _Tell him to wait for my signal by the cafeteria,"_ she said, grabbing the girl's shoulders. "_All right now go, and don't turn back or stop for anything. Keep your hands up until your pass through the police and ESU barriers. They will check all of you out, and probe you for information. But get to Sargent Tutola," _

Olivia and Carisi watched as the twenty kids ran in formation through the court yard towards the streets. They heard the ESU teams shout from above to keep their hands up, and she was glad she had instructed them to do this. After she saw them cross through the line into police protection she heard a megaphone sound on the other side of the building.

"_I guess they're finally make their demands now,"_ Olivia said motioning in the air towards the noise. She attempted to catch her breath, when she turned back to Carisi.

"_Well, no matter what comes next, you've saved so many," _he offered, adjusting his vest. Olivia looked up, shaking her head.

"_No. '__**WE**__ have,' and_ _I'm not leaving here until we've saved them all and I've found Lucia," _she stated, grabbing her gun, and heading back towards the auditorium.

Outside the children ran, palms sweating, legs like Jell-O through the court yard. Lexi, knowing she had an important task to complete immediately pulled away from the EMT's attempting to check her, and started questioning frantically,

"_Has anyone seen Sargent Tutoula, I need Sargent Tutola," _she begged in a panic. Most people around her were scurrying in all different directions, attempting to get some sort of order to the swarm of freed hostages they weren't expecting. They needed to be checked out, get statements taken, be identified, and see a counselor.

"_Sargent Tutola, Please, can anyone help me_!" She called motioning left and right, while the sea of uniforms ignored her pleas. The cops knew they didn't have a Sargent Tutotla in Bronx SVU, or in their prescient, so they chalked it up to panic, and being traumatized. There was so many things to focus on in that moment, her cries were white noise to the stark contrast of panic, helicopters, and the megaphone sounding.

Well, white noise to everyone, except, an inquisitive green eyed man, in a pristine looking three piece suit.

"_Why do you need Sargent Tutola?" _he questioned, approaching the girl cautiously, causing her shouting to cease.

"_Please, it's important,"_ Lexi urged knowing that Olivia had told her not to trust anyone but him. _"Do you know him?"_ He furrowed his brow, regarding her for a moment, before grabbing the closest ESU officer,

"_US District Attorney, Rafael Barba, Bronx New York," _he identified himself, causing the officer to relax slightly at the interruption,"_Was Manhattan SVU called into this?" _he inquired, unsure why else this girl would know about Fin.

"_No Counselor, Bronx SVU and ESU," _the officer answered before nodding is assent and turning back to his team. Having risen through the ranks since returning to the Bronx, Barba had managed to earn the respect of the Bronx SVU and many ESU officers. Subsequently leaving his tarnished legacy in Manhattan as an ADA behind.

"_The Sargent is this way,"_ an officer Barba didn't recognize whispered, motioning for Lexi to follow him. Barba unsure of who this man was, or his intentions, followed Lexi. Perhaps the ESU agent was mistaken or ill informed? Maybe it was an all hands on deck operation?

"Barba?" Fin questioned, grabbing the man for a handshake hug that was awkward even considering the circumstances. They hadn't seen each other in over a year, and while he knew there was a chance Barba would be here, he didn't think he'd actually stumble upon him.

"_Fin, what's going on? Why don't ESU and Bronx SVU know you're here_?" Barba questioned as his smiled left him. He looked around, half expecting to see her knowing he wasn't prepared ... But before Fin could answer, Lexi cut him off.

"_Sargent Tutola?"_ she questioned urgently, making sure the image she had only seen once, a few minutes ago, was indeed this man before her.

"_That's me,"_ he replied plainly, wondering if he should ask Barba to leave, but before he had a chance she began again.

"_Liv said to find you." _She began beginning to sob. "_She said, there's six down, and six to go,"_

"_Liv_?" Barba whispered, looking between the girl who'd just left the building and Fin, "_As in Lieutenant Olivia Benson?_" he asked cutting in, wondering what he could've missed.

"_But if they don't know you're here-"_ Barba continued, thinking out loud as he stepped back. Scrubbing his hands across his face as he inhaled a breath, turning white, and now looking almost as distraught as the girl sobbing next to him.

"_She found you then? Did she say anything else?" _Fin questioned, ignoring Barba but hoping that he would be able to convince him to keep his mouth shut. "_Calm down, everything is going to be ok now, but I need you to tell me what she said, exactly,"_ Fin explained.

"_She said," _Lexi began again, wiping her tears and attempting to control herself. She had just been so happy to actually find Fin, that she couldn't control her emotions anymore, "_To tell you that her and Carisi rescued us-"_

"_Us? How many?" _Barba asked pointedly, his fear turning to anger; using his tone generally reserved for a court room.

"_Twenty-two including me," _she answered, and turned back to Fin, "_That there was six down, and six to go, and for you to wait for her signal by the cafeteria,"_

Fin motioned to the other two detectives to suit up, as they secured their bullet proof jackets, and started to head off in the opposite direction as the rest of the police. Fin turned back to the girl,

"_You did good hun, now go get yourself checked out all right?" _he offered, giving her a slight smile before turning to go. He was quickly stopped by Barba, grabbing his arm uncharacteristically, now clearly sick as the facts dawned on him.

"_She went in there **blind**?" _Barba shouted, understanding the severity of the situation. When Fin didn't offer him a response, he knew his suspicions had been right.

"_But why, how?" _Barba asked, feeling faint. He swayed backwards, and Fin steadied him, helping him to the ground.

"_Bronx SVU and ESU have rats," _Fin explained quickly, looking back to make sure his agents had waited for him. "_Who do you think called it in to her?" _he encouraged hoping to let the last piece of the puzzle Barba was missing fall into place. Waiting for Barba to get it, Fin motioned towards the scene unfolding around him.,

"_Mami?"_ Barba questioned, shaking his head confused.

"_She made contact with Liv a few hours ago, but we lost contact. We were ordered to stand down because it was out of our jurisdiction, and you know other things. Look I gotta go, every minute I spend talking to you in one less minute I'm focused on helping Liv. But for now keep your mouth shut, and when I know something you'll know something," _Fin replied, standing up and checking his gun.

"_But why would she-" _Barba began to question, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. But Fin just shook his head.

"_With a school full of innocent kids, and _**your**_ mother trapped inside,"_ Fin explained with an emphasis on 'your', "_Did you really think she'd be anywhere else?"_

And without waiting for a response, he took off, heading towards the cafeteria to wait for the signal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Heartbeat**

By: Sarah Carey-Huff

_Chapter 3 – A Barba-Esqu Soliloquy _

Disclaimer: this story is my own, but all characters belong to Dick Wolf, Warren Leight & Family.

Grabbing his chest Rafael willed his heart beat to slow. Fin was gone, the young girl now with the EMT's, and there was a large part of him that was convinced he had imagined the entire thing. If it wasn't for the new helicopters circling in the distance, or the chaotic sea of uniforms rushing about he would've believed it.

His mind was already on auto pilot since seeing the headline that morning and with the news that Olivia was here too, it was too much for him to process. It was as if he'd gone from autopilot to conscious understanding to flat out denial. He hadn't seen Liv since he left her on those steps all those months ago. Or was it years now?

The hours drug on but the weeks flew by, and before he knew it months had passed. The seasons changed bringing a bitter chill into the already pungent New York air. The ice thawed, giving way to a blossom, a sweltering heat, and then again a frost. The days no longer had names, the months sparsely a meaning. But there was something about the bitter chill that had brought him back to that day.

It was ironic, how the frost alone could conjure nostalgic memories spent in the company of the woman he once called his best friend. The coffee they'd sip would breathe condensation upon their upper lips as they attempted to the cool the liquid. The tail ends of their matching trench coats muddied while they toppled through the snow and sludge stained streets of Manhattan.

Things were far simpler these days and that was something he should be thankful for. The color began to dissolve more quickly than it had come and he discovered leaving her was like a butterfly effect. Back pedaling he tried to return to who he was before, a shell of the man she'd help him become. But no matter how hard he tried the contrast and brilliance from his world remained, if only on the rims of his peripheral.

It was then, when he consciously tried to dull the technicolor her presence engendered, to alter the metamorphosis that her existence had caused, that he realized the true depth of his feelings for her.

It wasn't just friendship, or admiration. The words he spoke to her on those frost stained steps that day were from his heart. They were planned and drawn up as concisely as a closing statement designed to illicit feelings of gratitude and honesty, but never love.

However, somewhere around the blues and reds he began to deviate; an admission of the acutest kind mumbling upon his lips. If it wasn't for the utter heartbreaking hope he saw reflected in her brown eyes, he may never have found the resolve to swallow his words.

He very well may have allowed himself the confession of his truest feelings. Because for the briefest of moments, when he looked into those brown eyes he saw, for the first real time in six years, her walls come down. They crumbled brick by brick as if each of his words were crafted with a sledge hammer and all the love, the love he had desired to see so many times in those eyes, was reflected back at him.

That unabashed loving gaze he thought she'd one day cast at him, while Noah played in the foreground of his day dream. There it was, but he knew he could reach out and seize it, he couldn't touch it.

Because what would that have done?

It would have been selfish, to declare his love for her then. He'd had years to come to terms with his feelings, to act on them, to confess them, but he hadn't. And she hadn't given him any indication that she wanted him to.

Yet as he reverberated his gratitude for her, in a soliloquy type fashion so barba-esque, his heart crumbled in his chest. Because for the first time since he decided to leave he realized, he was no longer just leaving Olivia Benson his best friend, he was now walking away from Olivia Benson, the love of his life and his soul mate.

And as if her subconscious admission wasn't already testing his resolve, he then heard that word. The singular simple word spoken to him and baiting him, to admit the secret they both knew was on the tip of his tongue.

'_And', _ She had whispered, waiting for his confession, all the while daring him to step over the line they had never dared to cross.

But he couldn't. Not then. He couldn't take advantage of the moment. The dramatic flair of the circumstances was too much. The potential of his impending departure to prison or in his career, made her vulnerable. Gosh It was so like her to fall in love with him just as he began to fall apart.

Perhaps it was in her nature to need to fix, but he knew he couldn't do that to her. If they were ever meant to be together, he would come to her as her equal, and then, and only then, would he offer her his hand.

A pain struck through his chest, as he felt the sharp intake of cold air burn his lungs. The air penetrating his body with rapid force second only to the rapid realizations his mind ingulfed. For it seemed to occur to him for the first time, that he may never have that chance again. That day on the steps, him walking away from her could be the last time he ever saw her.

He stood unsteadily and swallowed the spasm in his throat, trying to hold back tears.

Could this day get any worse? First, he might lose his Mami, and now, he could lose Olivia too. And- it was all his fault. It was his idea to tell his Madre to phone Olivia if she was ever in trouble. Had he not done that, had he not have given her Olivia's card she would've called Bronx PD or Bronx SVU, and at least Olivia would still be safe. But he also knew his Mami now actually stood a chance with Olivia inside. She would get her out or she would …

He couldn't think like that. But it was hard not to.

It's not that Liv hadn't put herself in compromising situations before. Surely, she did it almost every day of her life. But it was the fact that she had gone in blind.

There were no real connections inside, no one knew she was even there. According to Fin there really wasn't anyone that they could trust but each other within a fifty-mile radius.

That morning, when he woke, he treated the day like any other. After making a strong cup of coffee he showered and was in work before the sun rose. It was an actual goal of his to spend all waking hours in his office, doing his best to avoid reality. Or rather, the crippling excuse of reality he'd been enduring. He was usually working on paper work or trying cases.

Thankfully his due diligence to work and disparaging lack of a social life wasn't all in vain. He had succeeded in work the past year, being quickly promoted after transferring home to the Bronx. The promotion was solidified after sealing a high-profile case early on in his return; since then he'd been coasting. He knew after that horrific case a year ago needed to move on from Manhattan, and something about heading back home to his roots had grounded him.

When his head wasn't buried in his office, he would spend time with his Mami, or go to church. Slowly but surely, he began to find a normalcy again. The work was clearer away from Liv which helped. It once again became easier to see the cases as file numbers because it felt less personal. But even though the losses didn't cause him to lose sleep, if he was honest the wins were far less rewarding now.

Although the new title gave him more leniency to pick and choose the cases he tried they felt less personal. Further the position gave him power over other ADA's, and DA's, forcing him to learn how to delegate. He was surprised to see that after a few months he really did start to do so. As soon as the work started to slow, he'd found himself taking on projects in the community. He began coaching little league, and volunteering in youth leagues to give back.

Honestly, he was willing to try anything, and everything to keep his thoughts from wandering to Liv. And yet, against all odds, and against any reason she was the one infiltrating his mother's charater school on what he'd certainly remember as the worst day of his life.

Finally deciding that wallowing wasn't going to help anyone he decided to walk around and see if there was anything he could do to help. He was certain no one would be looking for any sort of legal advice now, but he knew the school well. Initially he had told an ESU agent everything he could think of, but he figured it wouldn't hurt to go over it and make sure he hadn't missed anything.

**Note: **Thank you to everyone who has reviewed or even just read so far. I really appreciate it. Please feel free to continue leaving your feedback, it's always so encouraging. Hope you enjoyed being in "Rafa's" headspace.


	4. Chapter 4

**Heartbeat **

Chapter Four – "Well I Didn't Say it Was Going Perfectly"

_By: Sarah Carey_

When they rounded the hallways heading back towards the auditorium they did so in silence. They were thankful that Lexi and the other young children had made it out alive, but they had so much further to go. Carisi grabbed Liv's hand as they came up to the end of the hallway, the one that housed the auditorium. They could hear a girl screaming, and they weren't sure where the noise was coming from.

The furthest they had made it was the entry way they were now standing in and the noises were coming from past there. Locking eyes with one another they nodded, and rounded the next corner. Liv approached first clearly shocked at the sight before her. There was something about the way her entire body tensed that unnerved Carisi. Deciding to follow her lead he turned the corner, and his eye sight blurred.

There was a young girl being pushed out of the bathroom, her clothes torn and her face cut. The child couldn't have been older than thirteen, and was clearly distraught. If it wasn't already evident from the way she had been bleeding from her lip, it was by the way her body shook. A convulsive type shake that was rendering her unable to properly walk. She had just been sexually assaulted.

The man behind her didn't noticed Liv and Carisi immediately. He had a haunting smirk on his face and he was just closing his belt when Carisi charged. Without thinking of the repercussion he stormed full force towards the man almost twice his size. His training, couple with the element of surprise giving him the advantage.

'_You son of a bitch!' _Sonny screamed, opting for his fists over his gun when he reached out and grabbed the man throwing him into the lockers. Olivia motioned for the young girl to come to her, and having no other choice she did. He knew that he'd just compromised their position, but it was a reaction he made without thinking. Once the man recovered he didn't even have a moment to question the situation before Carisi's fist connected with his jaw.

After the next two punches his swollen and bleeding lip now matched that of the young girls. The man winced, pathetically trying to fight back and shield himself from the repeated blows. Carisi was beating him until his body slopped towards the ground and it wasn't until he was almost unconscious that Liv finally pushed the young girl behind her, and reached out to grab Sonny's arm.

"_That's enough," _she ordered, flashing back to a time when she had to do this to her old partner. Carisi was a good man, and when she pulled him off of the man, she saw he was crying. But Liv didn't' have time to process it as she jumped into action, tying the perps hands, and ripping his shirt. She shoved it into his mouth like a gag, and pulled Sonny and the girl a few feet back down the hallway.

They had no real cover, and no plan. While his outburst had been admirable, it left them in a dangerous position.

"_You're cops?" _the girl checked, clearly relieved, yet still somewhat skeptical. Carisi's outburst probably wasn't something she was used to seeing NYPD partake in.

"_Yes honey, can you tell me your name?"_ Olivia asked, trying to keep her voice even. She knew this girl was close to breaking down, but she was trying to prevent that and to get the information out as quickly as possible. After learning that the girls named was Maria, she probed her for all of the information that she could about the attackers. The young girl answered, grabbing onto Olivia, clearly weary of Carisi after watching the aggressive assault.

"_If you follow that hallway," _Olivia pointed back toward the auditorium_, "There's a clear exit where we've safely let other kids out. Sonny is going to take you, and I'm going to deal with the man that hurt you? All right?" _She asked softly. It wasn't really a question, but she knew how important it was to have consent from victims.

Maria had finally obliged after seeing Carisi's emotions calm down since the assault. Further Liv discovered she knew Lexi and that helped earn the young girls trust. She told them that the guards had been taking turns removing the kids. A new man was able to take a new child out of the cafeteria every time the guards went to check on things. While they were young so they weren't _sure _what was happening, they had an idea.

It was nothing more than a sick game to these degenerates, and a way for them to occupy their time while the higher ups negotiated. The entire school was going to need lifelong therapy after being taken as hostages in their own school; but the poor children that were raped at such a young age, well, Olivia feared the two scenarios together was too traumatic; and they may never recover.

Considering the timeline she realized these scum bags must have made their way through a good portion of the kids. They had been on lock down for hours now, and she half wondered why 1PP, and ESU just wouldn't hand over the general at this point. Was the justice of one man worth what was happening to these kids? But Liv knew it didn't work that way. They wouldn't be handing over an innocent man.

She also knew that thinking like that wouldn't solve anything. Besides there was a good chance that Bronx SVU was in on the entire thing, so why would any one of them want to help make deals? How was it that these men and woman who swore to protect and serve could be bought over so easily? And for sex trafficking of all things?

Carisi had taken the girl down to exit the school safely, and Olivia went to work. The perp wasn't making a noise and she wondered briefly how serious his injuries were.

By their calculations and assuming Captain Murphy was right, Olivia realized there was still about five gunman left. Murphy had taken care of two. They had debilitated five, and that left five to go. It was more than they had bargained for, and for the first time they were starting to have hope. They had made it farther than they ever could have imagined.

Just as Olivia was beginning to drag the rapist into a nearby classroom so he was out of sight, she heard footsteps. It wasn't that she wasn't expecting her detective to return ,but she could tell by the sheer volume and weight that those footsteps didn't belong to sunny. Her heart began to speed up just as she placed her hand on her holster. Perhaps this was it, the moment she knew was possible the minute she told Murphy "_Deal"_ on the phone earlier.

While it was hours ago it felt like lifetimes, and she wasn't sure how much longer her adrenaline would propel her. They had done their jobs and then some, hadn't they? Deciding her best bet was to try and step into the class room, she leaned towards the open door and pushed the perps feet out of the way, securing him through the threshold.

She needed to be able to close the door to the room, but she knew she had run out of time when she felt a hand come around her body, covering her mouth. The body spun her and himself around stepping over the body on the ground and shutting the door to the classroom was swiftly.

She wanted to open her mouth to scream but it was being pinched shut by sweating rough hands. Liv's face was pressed against the door a vertical rectangle of glass her only window into what was going. And that's when she saw Sonny coming towards her, gun in his hands as he scurried towards the door. Her eyes shook frantically from side to side, didn't he see the hand on her mouth? She wanted him to turn and run, back to Fin or towards the cafeteria, anywhere but here.

Just as he was about to approach the door, a gun-shot rang out, causing Liv to squeeze her eyes shut. Part of her was already sure what had happened but she opened her eyes anyway just in time to see Carisi slumping into the door face first, now eye to eye with Liv. She went to scream, and started too as she felt the cold metal come up to her head. The feeling was one she recognized, having felt it before both in real life and her nightmares.

"_You can't save him right now,"_ the voice breathed into her ear, causing her to shift attempting to see him. But he wouldn't let her go, the grip was rock solid and he pressed the gun tighter to her temple she attempted lung towards the door handle. She saw Carisi's body begin slumping to the floor, where was he shot?

It wasn't in his head, and she knew he had his vest on. He was still breathing, wasn't she? She hadn't watched the light leave his eyes like she had so many over the years on this job. But he was injured and he needed her. She never should've let them separate. They should've disposed of the body together and quickly escorted the girl out so they could have each other's back. She was simply trying to save time.

This was her mistake, and it cost her greatly.

"_There's more than one life at stake Olivia," _he whispered, and if she wasn't sure before she was positive now that it was Captain Murphy, holding her against his body. Slowly her anger began to dissolve, her emotions taking hold as she struggled to hold back her tears. Before she could respond he shoved her to the side, as the classroom door swung open, and Carisi's groaning body fell inside.

"_Oh, it's you,"_ the voice exclaimed recognizing Murphy instantly. But before he could say another word, before Murphy could even process what happened, Olivia had removed her gun, and shot the man square in the head. As his body slumped falling half on top of Carisi the wounded detective let out another groan, as Liv rushed to his side.

Throwing the man off of her friend, she grabbed at Carisi's vest, making sure the bullet wound wasn't anywhere fetal. She saw it had pierced his shoulder, just missing the vest and entering the skin. He gave her a smirk of thanks, and let his head fall back down.

"_I'm sure it's worse than it looks boss," _Carisi offered, speaking for the first time. "_Battle scares are in though I hear?" _he added, attempting to joke.

The tears had returned to her eyes and she put pressure on his wound, and for the first time she turned back to see why Murphy wasn't helping her. He was dressed all in black, which is perhaps why she nor anyone else had noticed before, but there was a trail of blood from his body, seeping across the floor.

"_Stab wound," _Murphy explained, clearly holding all of his weight on one leg. "_Domino wasn't thrilled when he saw me snap the neck of his right hand man," _he scoffed, cursing in a broken Russian he must have picked up while under cover. He sat down, elevating his wound, and tying the broken fabric tighter around it as he winced.

"_Here," _Liv offered, leaving Carisi momentarily. She ripped at his shirt and fixed the make shift tourniquet for him. _"Take my phone, update Fin, as long as you handled your two at both exits, there shouldn't many left we've taken out six ourselves." _Once she realized neither of their injuries were fatal, she snapped back into police mode. She was the only one not incapacitated, and she needed to be on point.

"_You've taken out six already?" _Murphy asked clearly impressed. He wiped his brow tracing away the sweat that had gathered. Clearly making his way back to Liv had been a struggle, and she wondered how much pain he was in when he maneuvered them both inside safely.

"_That leaves two_," Murphy stated, obviously feeling a little more relieved than a few minutes ago.

"_I thought you only got the two at the exits_?" she questioned, wanting to make sure she wasn't missing anything.

"_Domino too remember? He saw me snapping rapist number two's neck. I'd been gone from the principal's office too long and when he came out of the office to check on me, well, the lead guy Maximus killed himself-"_

"_You saved a lot of lives today," _Liv noted, but he said nothing so she continued, "_You saved mine life, even injured" _she added, nodding to his leg and Carisi on the ground.

"_I almost cost you your lives, I don't get credit for that,"_ Murphy countered.

Liv smirked, nodding to Carisi who was looking paler by the minute._ "Well, thanks to you and to this guy, we've saved a bunch of kids too" _she offered thinking they all could use the encouragement.

But suddenly the numbers donned on her, and she realized they still had work to do. With everyone that had been taken out or immobilized that left one in the principal's office, and two in the cafeteria.

"_Let Fin know he's safe to move in on the cafeteria if he can get a clear shot from the outside. If not, take him through the way Carisi and I came. He's got some back up and they should be save to pick off the last two. He'll be waiting for me to give a signal outside, but we didn't think we'd have an opportunity to use our phones, I hate to say this is going better than expected."_

At that Carisi motioned dramatically to his shoulder and Captain Murphy's bleeding leg. Liv smirked slightly, "_Well I didn't say it was going perfectly," _She offered for the first time finally allowing herself to feel a little bit of hope.

"_I'm going to head to the second floor, see if I can find Lucia."_

"_Fat chance," _Murphy declared. There was no reason to allow her to take the risk now._ "Maximus isn't the kind of man who can act on his own behalf Liv. If he wasn't' able to get the General released holding a school full of children hostage no one can. The last two guys are as good as dead now. When they find that out, when they realize everyone else is dead, they won't have _anything _left to lose and I'm not sure they'll chose suicide like Maximus did. They could very well just start shooting," _

Liv shook her head. It was insane how quickly things could escalate. But Murphy continued, _"You need to wait for Fin to make his move, then go find Barba's mom,"_

Liv opened her mouth to protest, but was quickly cut off, "_I've been following this group for years Liv, I know who runs this school, and I know whose mother she is,"_

Not wanting to waste any more time Olivia waited until Murphy had gotten Fin on the line, and she left. He tried to call after her, but was unable to follow her with his leg.

"_Liv's signal didn't' come," _Fin argued, but after some explanations he decided that he could trust Murphy. They had a clear shot to take out one of the gunman, but instead of attempting to shoot through the glass Finn had his men go search for Barba. This was obviously his jurisdiction and perhaps he could hook him up with someone that he could trust.

Thankfully there was a pair of brothers; one an ESU field agent, another an ESU sniper who both attended the same church as Rafael and his mother. He quickly enlisted their help, and after some tactful maneuvers and negotiations between Rafael and ESU, multiple phone calls with Murphy, and a full update of the information about how much the fates had turned inside, ESU authorized the shot.

The kids were able to be escorted, with their hands on their heads out of the cafeteria. But the rest of the ESU members were not as trusting as the first officer. They refused to infiltrate the school, any further to remove the wounded officers. Carisi and Murphy both made the walk, struggling on one another for support and leaving a blood stained trail in their wake.

Eventually they were outside, and transported to local hospitals, to be treated then arrested. This left Fin, Mark, and John to be arrested by Bronx PD, which they were expecting. They weren't given permission to be there, and were clearly operating a rouge mission from the inside. While their vital information was able to help release many kids, they couldn't be sure Manhattan SVU they didn't' have something to do with the ring. No one was safe.

Barba raced around yelling, but no one would listen to him. He watched as Declan Murphy, and Sonny Carisi, barely made it out of the building but ESU wouldn't let him near them. They had both been shot, and while he screamed over the crowd about any faculty surviving, about Liv his cries were muffled.

Fin was cuffed much to his horror because he knew that removing him removed the only link Liv had to the outside, and she still hadn't returned.

"_What do I do?"_ Barba pleaded after his futile attempts to state his position as US District Attorney and to sue their badges off them didn't' work, "Fin!" Barba screamed when he received no answer just as they were shoving him in the car.

But for the first time in his life, Fin wasn't' really sure what to do. Either way he held her fate in his hands. If he told the ESU officers there was a Lieutenant inside it could cost her life. If it was someone who had gone rogue they wouldn't shake a chance to take her out for dismantling their operation before their general was released. But if he didn't say anything she could be hurt in there.

But Murphy and Carisi had said there were only twelve perps inside, and after the two taken out by the sniper it should've been an all clear. Deciding his best action was inaction, he shouted one word,

"_Rollins,"_ he called as they shoved him in the back of a police car. Flipping his phone open immediately his hands shook so badly he almost dropped the phone.

"_Get down here," _he called not giving her a chance to ask questions. But he knew that Amanda loved her squad more than anything, and that she would indeed come without question. Just as she turned back to the school, there was another gunshot fired and before he knew what he was doing, Barba took off, running towards the school.


	5. Chapter 5

**Heartbeat **

Chapter Five - Please, Don't Leave Me

_By: Sarah Carey_

_Note: Intense Chapter_

Leaving Carisi and Murphy behind Olivia donned her gun, walking in what could only be described as a tactile motion towards the stairs. Somewhere in between the auditorium and the exit door she had initially entered the school from, she remembered seeing a staircase. Or was it on the blueprints that Rollins had printed out for them? Either way she had a hunch that she was heading in the right direction.

Lucia had said that she was in a janitor's closet, but on what floor? Other than that she had no real indication of how to find her, or where she would be hiding. The woman was everything to Rafael, and she was fond of her as well. He had once said his mother was stronger than anyone he'd ever met, and after today Olivia could see why.

What would she do if she wasn't still all right? Would she be the one to call Rafael and let him know that his mother had passed? Would he even want her to be the one to make that call, after all this time? But she had to make it didn't she? She was stabbed, not shot and Liv wasn't sure if that should really bring her any comfort. Even being stabbed there was still a risk of bleeding out, infection, puncturing of organs, and various other complications.

But no, she couldn't think like that. This mission, rouge as it was in nature, had been going far better than she could've hoped. Deciding to head upstairs she reached the top of them and decided to head left down the hallway. It would take her in the direction of the principal's office, if only a floor above, and Liv assumed she probably wasn't too far from there. As she turned the last hallway she came to the end of the maze, and realized there was nowhere left to go but down.

She jumped when she heard two far away gunshots simultaneously be let off, and an eruption of screams from below. However, she knew there was no real reason to run now. Their marksmen didn't miss, and they wouldn't have taken the shot unless they were certain that they would hit their mark. Furthermore they never would've taken the shot if it could've hurt a child. The children were probably just traumatized by the gunfire, and death they had witnessed.

Holstering her gun, Liv reached out for the railing preparing to descend slowly down the stairs. Clearly there was no sign of a janitor's closet here and she needed to stop wasting time.

She couldn't believe that they had done it. Within minutes she knew Fin and the boys would be arrested until their names were cleared. Carisi and Murphy would be treated and then have to undergo the same protocol. Her timeline to find Lucia was shrinking. Now that the threat had passed ESU would be infiltrating as would CSU.

Just as Liv was about to head back downstairs she heard a muffled sob to her left. Looking over she saw a wooden door, smaller than all the rest. There was a banner hanging from it with the Ten Commandments which was most likely why she hadn't recognized it initially.

"_Lucia?" _Liv called out, taking a step closer to the door.

"_Lieutenant Benson?" _A frail yet masculine sounding voice called, whispering loudly through the door.

"_This is she, what's your name?" _Liv asked, placing her hand on the handle and realizing it was locked.

"_Jordan Thompson_," the boy replied, "_Principal Barba said you'd come, she said to wait for you, and not to open the door until you came," _he continued. "_Are you here to help us?" _

"_Yes Jordan, I am, can you open the door? Is Lucia- Principal Barba with you?"_

"_She's… here, but I can't open the door, it locks from the inside and I don't have the code to give you to type in, only teachers and staff have access."_

"_Jordan," _Olivia began, attempting to calm her breath, "_Why can't Mrs. Barba give me the code?"_

There was a long moment of silence. Until it was broken by a sound on the other side of the door. A group in unison, almost herd-like, erupted in inexplicable sobs. It was clear there was more than one, or two people in the closet.

"_Okay Jordan, that's okay. I need you to get everyone to step back from the door, can you do that for me?"_

"_Yes," _the young boy replied.

"_Good, all right, that's good," _she encouraged, thinking how she was going to get them out of there. The only thing she had on her was her gun. "_Is there anything you can cover yourselves with?" _she inquired.

"_We have our coats, Principal Barba pulled us in here when he came off the bus. She, she said-"_

"_That's good Jordan, take your coats off, and cover yourselves and Principal Barba okay? Now when I count to three you're going to hear another sound, loud like the one you heard downstairs,"_

"_Like a gun shot?" another boy asked,_

"_Not that loud, yes. However you aren't in any danger okay, I just need to get the lock dismantled," Liv pleaded. _

Turning to the butt of the gun she grabbed it in her hands and began smashing it into the lock, attempting to override the code. While she knew ESU would be there eventually they were pressed for time. It had been hours now since Lucia had called her, and she was sure that if she was alive, she wouldn't have much time now. After hearing a clinking like sound, Olivia figured this was the best she'd get.

Placing her gun back into her holster, she stepped back and yelled towards the door, unaware there was someone coming up the staircase behind her.

"Everyone step back, now ok? I'm going to have to kick the door in the rest of the way," she warned, before lifting her foot and thrusting towards the door.

Thankfully her earlier mannerisms of dismantling the locking system had proven successful. As she kicked, the door loosened and she could feel a rattle on the hinges. The sound and the give on the door, gave her enough confidence to push it in the rest of the way, using her body, shoulder first.

As the door swung open she looked up, to see six pairs of eyes, tear stained reflecting back at her. Their faces were haunted, but there eyes had hope when she took in the sight of them. Olivia smiled at them, but her smile quickly faltered when she looked down to see the cause of their distress. In a puddle of blood Lucia Barba now laid, motionless.

Olivia dropped to her knees, reaching for a pulse. This wasn't happening, she couldn't have come this far to fail,

"_Well, isn't this convenient_?" it spoke. The sound of a voice, reverberating in Olivia's ears. The bile from her liver burned as it shot straight through her body up to her esophagus. The searing fear causing her to halt her actions.

She heard, the Russian dialect over powering the man's clear attempt at fluent English. There was no need to turn around to check, she was certain it was one of the gun men behind her. Perhaps one of the men she had apprehended had broken free, or more likely Murphy had missed one in his assessment of the situation. Was it the noise that had called him?

"_My own little bouquet of victims, just ripe for the plucking_," the man taunted, as he cocked his gun. Liv could feel her skin stand on edge, as she twisted on her knees to face him, standing up slowly to block the children from his view. She reached for her gun carefully but stopped when he spoke again,

"_Ahh, let's not do anything, how do the kids say, 'rash' now. You will shoot me I'm sure, but I could take out at least two before you get close, maybe even you first?"_ he offered quirking his eyebrow and, daring her to test him. "_Oh, still not dead yet I see?" _he inquired, motioning towards Lucia. "_I stabbed her _hours _ago."_

"Leave her alone!" Jordan shouted, the young man's voice Olivia recognized from through the doorway before. But before she could place her hand to stop him from stepping forward he had stepped next to her, as the gunman shot him. His body dropped to the ground next to Lucia's as the other children screamed. Oliva braced her arms wide, attempting to shield the children in a bubble behind her. There was little it would do to protect them, but the motherly instinct took over anyway.

"Okay, Okay, let's calm down," she offered, speaking clearly through the tears now forming in her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to look down at the boy because she knew she wouldn't be able to hold herself together if she did. "You don't need them okay?" she continued, taking a step forwards slowly. The man was smirking, looking at her undecidedly. "Take me instead, I'm who you need,"

"And who are you some measly detective? We have enough of them on the payroll as it is," he challenged not at all affected by the murder he had just committed, or the cries of the children echoing in the background. "Don't you get it, there's no way I'm making it out of here alive."

"_I'm a cop, but I'm not just a detective_," she began still inching her way closer, "_I'm a Lieutenant as SVU Manhattan, and I'll tell them that you came here with me, that you worked with me_," she offered at this point willing to say anything to get him distracted.

"No, I call the shots here," he ordered, pointing his gun at her head, causing her feet to stop. She still had her vest on, but so much of her body felt exposed under the barrel of his gun. "And I'm taking one of you, and having my way before this thing is over."

If the children weren't aware of what the man meant, Olivia sure was. She could see by the predatory look in his eye, as he subconsciously grabbed at his belt with his free hand. She had been here before, in various other forms and circumstances but the nausea that overcame her was the same.

As his tongue swiped out to stroke his lips, he began, "Eeny, Meny, Miney, Mo" he recited the syllables one by one with agonizing precision. He moved the gun with each word to a different child until he finally settled on a blonde hair girl. The children started to sob, horrified at what this would mean for their friend, when once again Olivia stepped forward.

"Noooo" the kids cried in unison, stopping as the man shouted,

"SHUT UP!"

Olivia allowed herself the moment to look back at the kids, and at Lucia lying on the ground. The man held his gun on Olivia while he motioned for the young blonde to 'come hither'. She began to walk towards him, a sacrificial lamb, unaware of her impending slaughter but knowing only that she had no choice.

Feeling her heart shatter in her chest she thought back to the various times in her life that she was the young girl. The prey to a predator, the lamb to the lion and she usually walked in unknowingly accepting her fate; when she walked into her apartment; when she walked into the precinct. It was harrowing and all rational thought left her mind when she heard herself speaking from somewhere outside her body.

She took a step closer, and spoke the words she swore she'd never have to again,

{Barba}

As the ESU team stormed through the cafeteria doors Barba rounded the opposite side of the building, entering through the staff entrance by the administration office. If his mother and Olivia were inside, they'd be near his Mami's office somewhere. It wasn't until he heard the cries of "No," in unison that he thanked the heavens above. If it wasn't for that sign he would have had no idea to turn up the staircase outside of his mother's office.

But as he broached the top of the stairs he stopped, hearing a thick Russian tone he hadn't heard in any of the ESU officers outside. His adrenaline began to speed up when he realized that gunshot could've been the one to end Olivia's life, to end his Mami's life. As he peered around the corner at the top of the stairs, sight before him it almost dropped him to his knees.

If he looked past the back of the balding head of the man with the Russian accent, he could see Olivia standing there as tears streamed down her face. Those beautiful deep brown eyes turned a shade that was almost honey when she sobbed, and he was sure if he could get close enough he'd see it. It had been a year, and he was sure a lot had changed but she looked the same.

She was stepping cautiously towards the accuser, unarmed. He wondered how she'd gotten here as her hands were circled behind her in a protective motion. She was guarding five children, whom he feared would never really be children again. Thinking of what Liv would do he realized he needed to assess the situation before making himself known?

His eyes scanned the scene finding the ground and seeing his mother and an unknown child laying across on another on the ground. The knife was sticking out of her stomach, and just as he was about to be sick, his eyes caught Olivia's body move. She took an abrupt step forward and he was worried for a minute she had spotted him. The motion was so unexpected it shifted him out of his grief, allowing shock to take hold.

If she had spotted him, would she break her guard and go to him. Would her concern extend past the children and his mother as she attempted to stretch her fear to him? He remained motionless, mainly hidden and watched as she her slow her movements, and he realized she was walking towards the gunman, not him. The thought unnerved him,

"No," Olivia screamed, causing everyone to jump, "take me instead," she pleaded in a half whisper filled with grief. The man's eyes left the young girl and looked at Olivia curiously. Certainly she knew what he was offering didn't' he? The fate he was intending on impressing upon the young girl. No one in their right mind, cop or not would volunteer for that.

"It's no conquest to take a kid right? But an SVU Lieutenant," she explained now offering herself up as bait. "Even if they kill you before you leave here, you'd die a hero for taking down a twenty year vet."

She was baiting him, hanging herself out to dry in what Barba quickly realized was a negotiation. Clearly the man had wanted to take another child out, and it was clear Olivia was going to do everything in her power not to let that happen.

The rage began seething under his skin and he felt his muscles flex involuntarily. Imaging this man, this despicable killer forcing himself upon Olivia was too much to bare. She had suffered enough at the hands of men like this. How she was able to forgo any disregard to her mental sanity and offer to, no beg, to take this child's place was so, … well it was such an act of selfless courage and bravery it was what he could only describe so Olivia.

"Raping another kid, that'd be what in your group, just white noise right?"

Barba could hear the fear in her speech but he was sure the gunman couldn't. It was something it had taken him years to pick up on, the subliminal undertones of her voice. When she was stressed or angry, she'd let that shine through. But when she was scared or hurting, it was something you had to look for, and not something she was willing to reveal easily.

For a moment he wondered if the man was considering it. He lowered his gun, seeming to be coming around to the idea. He eyed her up and down suspiciously, dangerously and Barba could see Olivia's eyes squeeze shut under his scrutinizing gaze.

"Or," the gunman countered, causing Liv's eyes to flash open, "How about I kill you right now?"

While he couldn't see the look on the gunman's face, as his back was partially to him, he could see the change in Olivia's eyes. The fear has finally surfaced and he could tell, she believed she was going to die.

The threat of the words was spitting out faster than the room could process.

It took Barba a minute to realize what he was doing, but as he saw the Gunman's arms begin to raise in an attempt to reposition the gun Olivia's body, Barba lunged full force onto him from the side, knocking him to the ground. He could feel the man wrestle against him, and he fought in stride reaching for the gun, and making sure his body stayed on top of it. Even if this was the last thing he accomplished, he knew he wouldn't let Olivia die.

He had tried to take him on an angle instead of from the back, making sure he covered the gun with his body. He wasn't sure what his objective was, because he hadn't planned on doing it. The man was twice his size, and had only hoped it would've given Olivia a moment to grab her gun, to collect herself. When he heard the next gun shot, he was relieved. Obviously she had read his thoughts, and acted immediately.

In the last thirty second Olivia's most desperate dream and most dreaded nightmare were coming true. She watched frozen and mute as she saw the image of man who was her best friend flash through her head. Pictures of Noah, and Don, the entire team. She was certain that this was the time it would finally happen. After all the close calls, she knew it was a matter of time until she gave her life to her shield. But what about Noah? He had such a life to live, and so much potential, this would destroy him. And what about Barba? The man who had left her life a year ago, the man who had sutured her broken heart with the stitch of friendship and eventually, love.

But then, he was just **there** before she could even process what was happening. The man who had tried to kill her was wrestling on the ground with her best friend. Her best friend who had just saved her life. Hearing the gunshot snapped her back to reality, as she drew her weapon and fired automatically, immediately hitting the gunman. But when she lowered her gun, she realized the blood pooling on the ground wasn't from the Russian man, but was coming from Barba.

Barba's assessment that Liv had been the one to shoot was incorrect he realized. He discovered he couldn't think anymore as he felt his blood turn to lava, then ice, as his body began to slump towards the floor. There wasn't an immediate pain as he assumed there would be, but he was certain he had been shot by his inability to move his legs, or speak. Another gunshot echoed through the corridor and he closed his eyes.

The world was quiet until he felt a weight pressing down onto his thigh, causing the ice to turn back into a burning lava heat as he screamed and tried to push away from the source.

"_Don't move,"_ Olivia order, her voice shaking. Hearing her voice for the first time in what felt like a lifetime he willed his eyes to open. He could feel his body convulsing slightly against the floor, and he could feel his resolve slipping away, "_You foolish, foolish man, what were you thinking?" _she reprimanded, attempting to stop the blood flow.

"_I lo.." _he attempted, realizing he may die without ever saying the words. Olivia was on her knees, pushing down on his wound with all her weight. When he realized he wasn't going to get the words out, he opened his eyes and looked upon her tears soaked face. She was crying through the lecture she was giving him.

"_When are you going to stop trying to say goodbye to me?"_ she challenged gently, as he smirked almost chuckling as he closed his eyes through the pain. "_Easy, stay with me,"_ she pleaded, yelling instruction around her that he could no longer make out. But the next thing he could remember he was being lifted onto a gurney, still feeling Olivia's weight on top of his body,

"_Rafa open your eyes, squabbling until we're 85 remember?" _she pleaded, and while he tried, he swore he tried, he couldn't bring his body to utter a response. "_Rafa,"_ she pressed, begging him to respond as she looked between him and the EMT's. He could tell she was growing more fearful as they made the journey together, to what he could only assume was an ambulance. But he couldn't assuage her fears, because he was starting to feel colder as he felt himself slipping away.

Finally, he inhaled weakly, mustering what was left of his strength. If all he could offer he was this, if all he could manage was to open his eyes, he would.

"_Rafael please, you just came back to me," _she cried, now full on choking as her blood soaked hands and clothes pressed down on his wound. Her body was swaying with the movement of the gurney. He was certain, even behind the tears and fear in her eyes, she had never looked more beautiful and for a fleeting moment, he was thankful that those eyes could be the last thing he saw.

"_Mam, please let one of us switch you out,"_ the EMT offered, as the ambulance was in route to the hospital. But she ignored the man, looking down to see Rafael's eyes were open,

"_Please don't leave me," _she begged as she leaned her weight down, offering a chaste kiss on his forehead like the one he had given her before he left. When she sat up she looked through her tears into his fading green eyes.

The last thing Rafael heard was a desolate sob as he succumbed to the darkness, and the world went black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Heartbeat**

Chapter Six – A Look at Where We've Been

_By: Sarah Carey_

Note: Character Death

After receiving the phone call moments ago from a frantic Barba, Rollins had grabbed her gun and was on her way to the school. She wasn't sure what had gone wrong, but she could tell by the gunfire in the background things hadn't gone as planned. She tried calling the number back over, and over, and over again on her way to the subway but to no avail. Where was Liv? And why wasn't anyone updating her?

The last update she had heard was from Fin, telling her that they were almost done. But that was over a half an hour ago, and he hadn't called like he promised when their team was released from the building. Murphy, Carisi, and Olivia were all still inside, and apparently somewhat injured.

Murphy forcing her to stay back had originally made her mad. It seemed like an overprotective action form the father of her child, at the time. But now, when everything was starting to unravel, it seemed like a good idea to have one of them behind. She had studied the blueprints the entire time she was at the precinct. Sure she knew how to get in and out of the building, even using an exit they hadn't originally seen she arrived ready for a fight.

But the scene unfolding before her was indefensible. Olivia was kneeling on top of what appeared to be Barba's body, cover in blood. She was mumbling something repetitive over and over, as she pressed pressure down on his wounds. There were four EMT's pushing the gurney that housed them both, screaming directions for people to move. But Barba had just called her? How it was that he was now, bleeding out from what looked like an apparent GSW she wasn't sure?

"LIV!?" Rollins shouted as she neared as close to the ambulance as ESU would let her.

Liv looked up briefly, breaking her eye contact and Rollins gasped. The look of pure terror in her eyes scared Amanda, realizing how bad the wound must have been.

"Rollins, go with Lucia!" she pleaded, looking back down at Barba with the most adorning expression on her face. A groan escaped the man's lips, showing he was still somewhat conscious. Amanda didn't take the time to wait for instructions, she raced towards the building just as they were bringing out Lucia on the gurney. A knife was still sticking out of the woman's leg, as they raced towards the next ambulance.

"SVU," Rollins showed her badge, but the EMT waved her off. "And I'm family," she added, motioning towards the skeptical looking man. But he shrugged, motioning for her to follow them. Hoping in the ambulance she sat next to the woman she barely knew, but took her hand needing the support. She knew the woman had been unconscious by the limp way he body thrashed during the ride. But, she wanted to somehow let her know that someone was there.

It dawned on the detective, as the EMT filled Amanda in on everything that he'd witnessed, just how strong Barba's mother was. She had no only brought officers to the school to save hundreds of children, but she had even managed to hide six of them. If it wasn't for her quick thinking to call Olivia, she may have called a dirty cop. This could've led to countless other deaths.

When they finally arrived at the hospital Amanda reached down and whispered, "_Hang on Lucia, we've got you."_

Immediately, Rafael was rushed into surgery. It took multiple doctors to pull Liv off of his now pale and blood soaked body. She had gone into somewhat of a shock herself unable to pull her eyes away from his chest. Staring down at the rise and fall she willed the sound and the rest of the world away. He was still breathing, he was still alive and if she moved her hands she feared he may bleed out.

It was up to her, she felt, to keep as much pressure on the wound as possible. She was the line, the thing, that held him between life and death, living or alive, here or gone. It was tremendous pressure, and she was losing her nerve. Seeing his green eyes fade away from hers, she could almost swear him squint like that, he was saying goodbye.

The pain he consumed his body somewhere along the way and he was no longer numb form adrenaline she could tell. The torture in his eyes, and his inability to formulate words were all proof of that. How could he have been so reckless to metaphorically run into a burning building after her? Or was it after his Mami?

As they gripped her hands, removing her from him, someone else immediately took over. They helped her off the gurney to the ground but left her standing there, blood soaked as they rushed him past the double doors. Was his mother still alive? And where, god where was Amanda?

Seconds later the next gurney housing Mrs. Barba came pushing through the doors. Rollins was at a hustle following along with the gurney, and she wasn't sure how she had gotten there but she was grateful that she was. Lucia's injuries were assessed quickly. She had lost a lot of blood, and her body was currently fighting an infection from the wound.

They were able to remove the knife and suture the area. However she hadn't regained consciousness as her blood supply was refueled. They were sure she was fighting a nasty infection and intravenous antibiotics were started accordingly. Heading towards Liv Rollins pulled her into a desperate hug, and finally Olivia's hands which at that point had been held up, dropped to her sides.

She could feel her body racking with sobs, as she pulled in her closer. When it finally stopped Rollin's was more concerned than before at the dead stare Liv bore. She grabbed Liv's forearm, and pulled her towards the restroom. It was clear her Lieutenant was in some sort of shock, because she wasn't speaking and was only looking straight ahead, acting on autopilot.

After taking her in the bathroom, Liv stood motionless as Rollins pulled her arms under the sink, rinsing Barba's blood off of them.

"_All right, here we go," _Rollins whispered, grateful Liv was letting her help her. But also, worried she would snap at any minute. She was treating her with kid gloves because in all her years of working with her boss, she'd never seen her so_broken__._

"_When Barba called me" _Rollins began, speaking the magic word that caused Liv to look up, breaking the spell. Amanda shut off the water, walking over to get paper towels. She dabbed them in the sink, and wiped Liv's face in a manner so motherly, it was kind. "_He said to get down there now, and I was worried something had happened to you, or Fin," _she asked.

Liv shook her head, as if to say, _we're all right, _before closing her eyes just as the tears started to fall. "_He called me to help you, I take it?" _she asked, seeing Liv nod she figured that was a good sign and should continue.

"_Fin, Murphy, Carisi, and the boy they were arrested?" _she asked. She had heard something on the scene about rouge cops from Manhattan being brought in for questioning, but she didn't have to verify the facts. Liv nodded again as her only sign of acknowledgement, still unable to open her eyes. "_Dodd's will clear them though right?" _she continued, wanting to make sure there was nothing they should be doing on their end.

"_He saved my life?" _Olivia spoke, breaking her silence as her eyes opened as she lifted out of her trance. It was worded like a question, but Amanda really wasn't sure who she was talking about.

"_Dodds?" _she inquired, thoroughly confused. But Olivia shook her head no, but didn't speak the word aloud as she continued on.

"_I offered myself to him,"_ she said, motioning towards her body. "_He wanted to take one of the girls, and he had already killed Jordan," _she continued, locking eyes with Rollins for the first time since she arrived. "_But he didn't want it, he knew he was going to die. And," _shaking her head in disbelief, she continued,

"_I watched him lift the gun, as he traced it slowly up my legs. And Noah, and you guys," _she said by way of explanation for the entire team, _"Flashed through my mind, and you were all so happy. But then, Rafael. His green eyes, looked at me so fearful, and I wondered why in my last image of him, he looked so afraid," _she spoke, staring off to the side, as if she was relieving the moment.

"_I remember wishing he didn't look so scared, because, in that last moment I wasn't scared anymore," _she offered, breaking down again. She slid against the wall in the bathroom, as Amanda hunched down to be at her eye level.

"_It's okay Liv,"_ she offered, knowing full well that nothing was okay, but having no other words to offer her. It was normal for people to recite seeing images of loved ones, even white lights or angles before succumbing to death, or having near death experiences.

"_So I closed my eyes briefly, but when I looked up he was really there. Wrestling on the ground with the man who was about to end my life, and it wasn't until I heard the gunshot that I realized he was __**even**__ real," _

"_Barba took down the gunman?" _Rollins inquired, shocked at the turn of events. Clearly he was near the gunman otherwise he wouldn't have been injured. But she assumed he had been hit by ricochet, or injured just being in the school. Never would she have considered he, unarmed and untrained, would've tackled a shooter.

"_And when I realized, I pulled my gun and shot the gunman. It was clean, and quick. But I was too late. Before I could holster my gun I saw the blood pouring from him. Amanda, there was so much blood." _she spoke breathlessly, swiping her hands across her face. "_It was so stupid, so reckless, so stupid," _she said again_, "but he saved five children, maybe his mother, and-"_

"_And_ _He saved your life," _Amanda finished, placing her hand on Liv's arm.

"_He saved my life," _Liv agreed, smiling through her tears.

He could feel his body responding in a way it hadn't before. It was unconscious as he couldn't move his arms or legs, but his thoughts seemed to be screaming louder than ever before. Where was Liv? Was she all right? Did she know that he was okay? He could hear the doctors talking frantically in the background, the faint sound of a heart monitor whose rhythm must have belonged to him in the background.

There wasn't anything he could see or make out, unable to open his eyes. But it felt like he could _feel _everything. One minute he was on the operating table, being sliced and diced to remove the bullet. The next, he was back in that hallway, taking off in a run. It was ironic really, how he had spent months attempting to dissolve the color from his life.

Perhaps he was able to attempt it because being away from her, he forgot how warm the color felt. Basking in the shadow of her rainbow, he could disappear from the world that surrounded him. The past year he'd spent in the Bronx, he could still see the color in the foreground, but he was able to distance himself enough. There wasn't pain, or trauma, or guilt. But there also wasn't' happiness, or joy, or real love.

The lines of what to do, and when to do things were never confused. It was as simple as it had been before he met her. Take a case, learn the facts, study the case, and apply the law to the best of his ability. Then he met her, and things had started to change. Hell, if they hadn't he never would've been in that room with the ventilator, let alone be the one to shut it off. But even looking back he wouldn't change it.

There wasn't a piece of him that could regret his decision to end that child's suffering. Months of prayer had righted him with God. Rafa knew that even though he had to stay away from anything that blurred lines of morality and law, he didn't hate himself for crossing them. But then like a drug addict, the moment he was back on the same grounds as her, he was overdosing himself. Not only walking, but rushing towards her. Not only seeing her, but offering his life for hers. If it was the last thing he ever did, he wouldn't regret it. Seeing those brown eyes in that hallway, he realized for the first time he found what he was looking for when he left. He was finally home.

Try as he may to confess his love, he couldn't. The pain had become unbearable and he was grateful she forgave him this weakness with a joke of sorts. '_When are you going to stop trying to say goodbye to me?' _

If he'd of had it in him, he would've just kissed her. To let her know that he was sorry, but that he knew he'd never be able to say goodbye to her again. Nothing had ever felt more like the beginning and the end of something so synonymously. However he couldn't will his limbs to move. And then, he heard her begging him not to leave her.

'_Please don't leave me,' _the words that if she'd of spoken that day would've crumbled him. But she knew him better than that, she knew he needed to leave. And had she of done so that day he would've hated himself for staying, himself but never her. As his body slipped further away he cursed his organs for failing him, he cursed his eyes for shutting. She needed him, and now he, like so many others in her life, was going to let her down.

The world started to sway again, like sea sickness coupled with total darkness and he willed his body to numb. He could feel his mother's presence, and he wondered, not for the first time, why.

After what felt like hours, Rollin's and Benson left the bathroom and walked back to the waiting room. Amanda brought them each a cup of coffee, and was making phone calls. Fin, and the squad were cleared by Dodd's, as she expected. She was just hanging up with Lucy who had Noah and Jesse, when the doctor walked in.

"Are you the family of Barba?" the doctor asked, and without missing a beat Olivia responded,

"I'm his wife," she knew otherwise there'd be no way they would've reveal any information to them. "This is my sister," she added as an afterthought motioning to Amanda. The doctor looked at them curiously, "I'm also, Lieutenant Benson of Manhattan SVU," she encouraged, motioning to her shield barely visible under her bloody attire.

"Benson, of course. I apologize, you are listed as his emergency contact, I just didn't' realize you were his wife," the doctor continued, as Amanda and Olivia exchanged a brief look. She was still his emergency contact, after all this time.

"It's not about your husband mam, he's still in surgery and we will update you as soon as we know anything. It's about your mother in law, would you like to sit down?" He offered, motioning to the seats behind them.

Rafael could feel the swaying start to calm, and the pain start to return. His mother's presence was lingering over him, almost watching over him in a sense. He could smell her scent, bringing him back into consciousness little by little. _Mami,_ he thought desperately, wishing he could see or touch her somehow. Was she all right? Was she still here? In the cold darkness he felt a warmth, a weighted love wrap around his being and although his eyes weren't open, he could sense light. He inhaled deeply, soaking in the feeling of what he could only equate to his mother's embrace, until just as quickly as it had come, it was gone.

"_Mr. Barba, welcome back." _

Liv and Rollins decided to stand, as Rollins gripped her wrist to show her support.

"_I'm sorry but unfortunately the infection spread too quickly and her organs began shutting down so quickly and we couldn't stop it,'_

Before either of them could ask, they finished the words they were dreading,

"_She didn't make it,"_

"_Thank you doctor_," Rollins finished, knowing Olivia couldn't find the words. Her Lieutenant turned back, walking towards the vending machines and kicking them hard.

"_Lieutenant,"_ the doctor called,

"_She's sorry, I've got it,"_ Rollins offered putting her hand up and, rushing over to Liv's side.

"_Amanda, after everything, she…"_ Liv began, covering her hand over her mouth. She knew it was a possibility but actually hearing the words was a different story.

"_Her death isn't in vain, she saved-" _Rollins tried to assuage,

"_But her death, is in vain. What about Rafa? Who does he have now?"_

After thinking it over, Rollins turned to her, and quickly said,

"_He's got you Liv, He's got you."_


	7. Chapter 7

**Heartbeat**

Chapter Seven – A Time to Heal

_By: Sarah Carey_

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Just borrowing.

Note: Reviews are welcome.

The next few hours, or was it days… seemed to pass in a blur. Rafael was growing stronger as time pressed on, and found himself able to remember longer stretches of time. However, initially waking up in the hospital, everything was a blur. The doctors had informed him that his mother passed away, and while he felt like he had already known somehow, he hadn't remembered being at the school or the shooting.

His body kept slipping into a dark, dreamless slumber and couldn't stay awake for more than a few minutes at time. The assured him not to worry and to stop trying to fight it. The body needed time to recover, not only after the physical toll the gunshot had taken, but mental warfare he'd endured.

They said it was nothing to be concerned about. It was evident he remembered who he was and where he was. The body reacted differently for different people but overall it was common to suppress things and details, after enduring something so traumatic. For once he was grateful, rather than resentful, that his mother had chosen a different lawyer to be her power of attorney. A close friend throughout her entire life, would take care of the arrangements.

Lucia had wanted to be cremated, and then buried, which allowed for a more lax timeline for Rafael to recover. Honestly, he wasn't sure he would've been able to handle being the one to arrange all of that anyway. How was it possible that she was gone? His stubborn mother, who risked her life for those kids.

What about him? Did she think about what her playing the hero would do to him? Did she consider that maybe he couldn't make it without her? Of course she didn't, just like he didn't think about her when he ran into that school. They were raised to do what they must, not what they should. The noble calling to do what was right, was something ingrained into him, _from_ her…

And he wasn't sure he had the right to be as upset with her as he was. And what about Olivia? God he was so angry at her that he could barely breathe. She had gone in there, without back up, and without telling anyone. He knew that she was still alive because not only could he hear her voice in the distance at times, he could feel it in his bones.

She was still _here_ and that comfort was all he had to ground him. Each time the realization of losing his mami dawned on him, he would squeeze his eyes shut tighter and listen for her voice. She was all the family he had now, her and that little boy of hers.

But he hadn't seen her since the hallway, and he wasn't sure if that was her fault. While he knew she was still his emergency contact, they weren't legally family; even if he was 'Uncle Rafa'. After the initial decisions that had to be made were done, he didn't know how far the privileges of emergency contact were extended. But he couldn't think of it anymore. She was alive, and that was what was important now.

Staying awake was still a challenge and he was beginning to slip back into unconsciousness again when he could feel a pressure squirming around besides his left thigh. Too small to be nurse and too big to be a mouse he pushed his eyes open. The light had been turned own in his room, leaving only two of the six on, and for that he was grateful. He though his head was pounding as he pried his eyes to open to examine the squirming.

A beautiful hue of blue filled his vision, as he stared into the large pair of tear soaked eyes not looking at him. The little boy had grown over the past year, and where he once would've been able to nestle comfortably, he was now struggling to remain. His arms and legs, now a little more lengthy than pudgy. His arms were cocooned in a circle against knees that he'd pulled to his chest as he leaned against Rafael's right leg.

He clearly, must've been crying as he stared down at Rafael's bandaged left thigh. It was elevated slightly with pillows and when Barba allowed his eyes to really examine the bandages, he felt the hot searing and itching pain come to life. It was as painful as he had originally expected it would be, but he wondered why he hadn't realized it until he actually saw the evidence.

They had removed the bullet during surgery, but the scar would remain forever. Even the elephant nestled on his left side wouldn't heal that.

Rafael cleared his throat softly, swallowing down the hoarseness. He wanted to alert the boy that he was awake, without startling him. He twitched his fingers softly, testing his strength and realizing that he seemed to be in control of the pain, before he spoke,

"_Mijo,"_ he breathed softly, doing his best to not frighten him. Noah would've been as many letters, as equally easy to utter but it didn't seem suiting. But his calm tone only half worked as Noah startled lightly, seeing Rafael's body wince at his movement. His body shook his left leg, knocking it lightly into his right. He tried to dry his tears, ashamed of being caught so upset, when he saw Rafael's face in pain,

"_I'm sorry_!" Noah pleaded, realizing immediately what he'd done. The tears began to well up again, as Rafael reached for him.

"_Shhh, It's okay,_" he consoled, feeling Noah climb slowly up the right side of the bed and nestle into the right side of his body. Noah grabbed at his hospital blankets, now unable to stop the flow of tears. He knew the boy hadn't meant to hurt him. Realizing that he knew if Noah was there Olivia must be nearby, he felt touched. It had been days hadn't it? He considered this as he felt his anger disappearing.

Shouldn't she be back at work by now?

"_I thought you were gonna-"_ Noah muffled against his side. "_I thought I'd never_-" he tried again, and for the first time Rafael realized why he was so upset.

It wasn't because he felt bad for knocking his wound, which of course he did. But it was because he didn't' think Rafael was going to make it. He hadn't seen the boy in almost a year and while he knew he'd always love Noah, he had assumed the child would just outgrow him.

He hadn't considered, he loved him too.

"_Mijo,"_ he spoke again, no longer feeling any trepidation using the phrase. "_I'm not going anywhere," _he assured him, wanting to comfort him. God, how could he have been away from him? He pulled him into his side even closer, and did his best to squeeze him with both arms.

"_But you already did," _he said, his words sputtering out through his tears and cutting right through Rafael's chest. Because he realized, he was right. When he left Olivia all those months ago, he didn't fully consider how much of an impact it would have on Noah. How could he have been so blind? He knew the boy cared about him, but he just assumed he would adjust as if he never existed. He knew better than that, he owed him better than that.

"_I guess I did, didn't I?" _ He expressed somberly, finally hearing Noah's sobs subside. "_Noah, I'm sorry that I went away but I promise you, if you can forgive me that I will never leave you again." _

And he knew, that he wouldn't. There wasn't anything, even Liv- that would be able to keep him from Noah now. Now that he realized the magnitude of his decision, now that he realized how deeply he had hurt the boy. Even if Liv had moved on, and found someone new, he vowed he would be there for Noah and be the best Uncle Rafa he could be.

Noah looked up, and placed his tiny hand on his face, as if he was looking into his eyes to see if he could trust him. Rafael smiled, his green tired eyes shining back. After what felt like an eternity of being under the scrutinizing eyes of the little boy, a look so intense he hadn't even experienced it against the best defense attorneys in court, the boy nodded, kissing his cheek before settling back down on his side.

Barba let out a deep sigh, relieved to feel the boy's forgiveness. He kissed his forehead as he let him snuggle in close.

"_I'm glad you married my mom,"_ Noah offered, causing a sputtering like cough to erupt in Rafael's chest. Perhaps he had caught onto him foolishly calling him Mijo. Noah wasn't as little as he used to be, a phrase like that was one he'd certainly catch now. Deciding he needed to explain he attempted,

"_Um, no you see Noah -"_ he began, but Noah cut him off before he could finish,

"_It's okay, I know."_ He reasoned simply, pulling the elephant in between them. "_I heard you call me mijo, and whenever the doctors tell mom about you they keep saying, your husband," _

"_You caught the mijo, huh?"_ he asked the boy, referencing his using of the Spanish phrase. While he wasn't sure exactly why Olivia was telling people they were married, he was almost positive it had to be tied to Noah sitting on his hospital bed. Obviously she had found a way around the emergency contact problem.

"_Yeah, it means __my__ son, because you want to be my dad right?"_

The word were swimming around Rafael's head and he hesitated, unsure of the right way to answer. Of course that's what he wanted, but he didn't think he was able to say something of that magnitude without Olivia's permission. Besides, what if she had fallen in love with someone else while he was gone, what if his mother had already found him a dad? What if she never cared about Rafael in that same way, and he'd been wrong?

It would be wrong of him to intervene, and confuse the boy.

"_I do love you as if you were my own son, __**but**__-"_

"_Good, because I always wanted you to be my dad," _Noah offered so confidently, it was like breathing. He envied the boy, how easily he could speak his desires without fear of being hurt. Without understanding the severity of such an admission. He was so trusting to the man who'd walked away from him. And he didn't know how to explain his actions, when he wasn't sure they were justifiable now.

"_But Noah, your mom and I aren't married,"_ he continued figuring he'd tackle one issue at time. Noah looked up at him skeptically, than looked back down at the elephant.

"_Why not?"_ he questioned, _"But no. I'm positive, I heard her telling the nurses that she's your wife, so that makes me your mijo and you get to be my papi right?" _ he reasoned and he had heard Olivia say that, on multiple occasions. It was interesting to hear the logical conclusions a child could draw from such little information.

"_Don't you want to be my Papi?" _the boy asked, starting to feel vulnerable. "_Don't you love my mom?" _he inquired, asking the questions it'd taken him seven years to give himself a real answer to. He envied the boys confidence, that was for sure.

"_Of course I do," _he offered knowing it was far easier to admit it to a child than to his mother, "_But we aren't married mijo, I haven't seen your mom in almost a year,"_ he added, trying to explain as delicately as he could. "_Besides, I know your mom would never get married to anyone without you there, and without your blessing."_

This seemed to register, making sense to him.

"_What if I tell her she _can_ marry you, will that help?" _he offered sitting up to face Rafael, his excitement causing him to laugh. He ruffled the boy's hair, smiling brightly. "_If, that day ever comes where she would need your blessing, I promise to let you know so you can go to her, but in the meantime, let's just take it one day at a time okay?"_ Noah scrunched his nose, seeming to dislike this turn of events, but not discrediting them completely.

"_Hm," _Noah considered loudly, blowing a puff of air out of his mouth dramatically, "_Can I still be your Mijo?" _he asked,

"_Well, technically you legally wouldn't be my son unless I married your mother, or adopted you through a court," _he explained, but seeing the boys tears start to surface he amended, with little to no guilt, "_how about we keep the mijo thing, as our little secret?" _

Noah laughed, almost bouncing, glad to be sharing a secret with his Uncle Rafa.

"_I need to rest now mijo," _he whispered softly, feeling himself begin to fade. Noah nodded, still smiling, as he cuddled back to his side.

"_Okay papi,"_ he said smirking into his blankets.

Exhausted and soar from the long conversation Rafael quickly faded back into sleep. He could feel the even rising and falling of Noah chest as he did so, and knew the boy wouldn't be far behind. He wondered finally where Olivia was, but felt too tired to ask. He was sure he would know soon enough, and he knew that she couldn't be too far if Noah was in his bed.

A time later, he wasn't sure when he felt Noah thrashing softly beside him. A small whimper tore from the child's lips, and he heard a scratching sound on the floor in his room. But he didn't consider the noise when he shifted as best as he could with his cast, reaching down to console Noah.

"Hey, hey" he offered, stroking his cheek, as he started to wake up with tears in his eyes.

"Papi, Papi" he sobbed grasping at the hospital sheets. He was certain he must've been having a nightmare that something happened to Rafael, and he felt his heart drop in his chest. The poor child had been through so much already, at such a young age.

"_I'm here mijo, it's okay, we're okay_," he consoled pulling him close as he fought back tears of his own.

Blinking them away, he looked down to Noah, his little hands gripping so tightly, when a movement caught his eyes.

Olivia was standing there, half reached out to grab Noah, but seemingly frozen in place.

The tears were streaming down her face, as she watched her son, crying and sobbing. She was half asleep when she saw him move, the start of a nightmare coming on and stood to grab him before his thrashing could further injure Barba.

But when she heard Barba offer, 'hey, hey' as a means to comfort her son, she froze. For the first time that she had seen, Rafael was awake. And he seemed confusingly un-phased by her son's presence. Instead he had immediately consoled him, but Olivia still stared, unsure if she should intervene.

When Noah started sobbing papi, she felt the tears spring to her eyes. She knew that he loved his Uncle Rafa more than anyone else- besides her, but she had no idea how much until she had told him about his uncle's condition. He had demanded to be able to see him, refusing to go to school or anywhere else until she brought him here. Olivia assured him his uncle would be okay, but he wouldn't relent until he saw him, himself.

Worried it would all be too much for Barba, though she was sure Noah's word lapse came because he was still half asleep, Olivia stepped forward to take him aware her friend would be uncomfortable. But she halted again when she heard Barba speak, completely unaware of her.

""_I'm here mijo, it's okay, we're okay,"_

'Mijo?' His son? She thought, feeling the tears now falling from her eyes. The two men she had loved, more than anything it the world, in a moment so raw had chosen each other. But how did- why did-

"_Mijo_?" she questioned, through her tears, waking Noah fully. He looked up to Rafa sheepishly, as the two snuggled impossibly closer together, as if they feared being caught they'd be separated.

"_You Mr. Barba, have a lot of explaining to do"_ she said half-jokingly, shaking her head at them as she placed a hand on her hip. And he knew she was right, not only for his display with her son, but his presence in the school, his absence, all of it.

As if on cue, the nurse Olivia had been speaking with came waltzing in,

"_See I assured you Mrs. Barba that he was indeed waking," _she said, motioning towards the bed, "_I see your husband has finally not made a liar of me, as he's graced you with his _wakeful_ presence,"_ she teased, knowing Olivia's frustration that she kept _missing _him waking up. It was something they had just been discussing not too long ago in the hallway.

But hearing her referred to as Mrs. Barba made a twinge of sadness fall over the room, and she wondered if he would be furious at her. The title was reserved for a woman who'd not even a week ago had died a martyr. And while he initially winced at the name knowing he'd probably never hear the title used to reference his mami again, he recovered quickly knowing Noah didn't need to see him upset.

"_My __wife,_" he began emphasizing the word as he smirked arrogantly at her,_ "hasn't been giving you __**too **__much trouble now, has she?" _Rafa teased, clearly he wasn't the only one who had some explaining to do.

Liv's face flushed red but she smiled through the tears and embarrassment. He was okay, and he was more like himself than ever.

"_Oh, it's been interesting,"_ the nurse teased, happy to see the family all together for once.


	8. Chapter 8

**Heartbeat**

Chapter Eight - Our Hearts Ache in Unison

_By: Sarah Carey_

Disclaimer: I do not own any of SVU. I simply enjoy writing variations thanks!

Reviews are appreciated, but never required.

Epilogue is next. Thanks.

The day was uncharacteristically sunny for a memorial service. The crisp blue sky shone with hints of a summer's day, and there wasn't a cloud in sight. No weighted grey puff of smog to darken the blistering rays. The heat radiating off the sun was beating down on the participants, all donned in varying combinations of black attire. Not that the brisk wind would've allowed for much hovering; the wind wisped, tickling the leaves roughly on the trees until they danced inverse towards the sky.

His mother's body had been cremated almost a week ago now, by Maria Valazquez, Lucia's life-long friend and a well-known criminal defense attorney. Barba had shadowed her in high school, and quickly realized that he was going to prefer becoming a prosecutor instead.

Leaning against an aging oak tree for support, both from the sun and his nostalgic emotions, Barba tried to remain inconspicuous. His eyes searched the green felt as he gripped the crutches with his hands. The rubber had caused a chaffing to form under his under arms, and he was resentful he had to use them at all. However, the pain from the gunshot was still quite harrowing, preventing him from baring any real weight down on his leg. The last thing he need was to have to ask for _any more _support than he already had.

Considering that, his eyes scanned the group of incoming guest for Liv. _Where was she_? She was supposed to be at his apartment earlier that morning, and she had called with a last minute hold up. She swore she'd meet him at a coffee shop by the cemetery but after waiting there for ten minutes, she called again and said she'd just meet him at the site. She had rushed off the phone each time, sounding wholly remorseful, but vague and anxious.

Rafael was distracted by a woman, boisterous in her attire and lacking all class, as she sauntered like a goose in between the narrow row of guests. Realizing in true fashion, Maria Valazquez had arrived, his eyes scanned once more for Olivia. Maria's brilliant mind may have been the only _subtle _thing about her, Rafa considered as he watched her hands grip a plain but gold platted box. The urn encasement that was assumed to hold the ashes of the once, Lucia Theresa Barba, was being escorted to a platform in front of the plot.

The wooden podium sat at the edge of the green felt, and just right of the wooden stand her ashes would remain on during the service. There were various bouquets of flowers around the plot, but only one rectangle of pictures. Varying sized squared with white borders the photographs were mainly of Rafael when he was a child. There were a few with friends, and one with Noah, Rafael and Lucia. Perhaps, she always knew how he felt about Liv.

"Thanks for coming dear," Maria said shaking hands with the priest after placing down the urn.

Various guests smiled brightly at the woman, seeming familiar enough with her. They were already filling up the few seats behind the first row, and Rafael was glad he hadn't been left to plan anything. There were many rows of Metal folding chairs, far more rows than customary. It was almost more like a recital than a memorial, but he quickly realized why.

His mother once again had the foresight to look out for him by assigning Maria this task. She had the wherewithal to consider many of the guests would be older and would therefore need the seating; something he never would've thought of. The cremation, what would be read, almost all of it was preplanned for him. The only instruction that Maria had offered him, was if he or anyone, wanted to say a few words the time to do so would be announced.

Part of him was embarrassed that he hadn't been the one to plan everything, I mean surely he owed her that, didn't he? Did everyone wonder why Maria was carrying Lucia's ashes? Did they judge him for it? He wasn't sure. While he had seen a lot more of his mother's friends since returning to the Bronx, he had missed a great deal between his stints in Manhattan, and Harvard. As if reading his mind Maria released the priest's hand, and turned around finding Barba's eyes.

She offered him a small smile, nodding towards the front row and took her seat. There were two vacant seats next to her and Rafa was glad he had asked Olivia to come. It would look strange for a vacant seat to be in the first row, but apparently Maria had just assumed he would bring someone. He knew things would be starting soon, and he sighed, allowing himself to consider for the first time that Olivia might actually miss this.

He placed the crutches under his arms, ignoring the stab of discomfort. He stopped as soon as he started and Maria started to stand up and turn around. He waved off her offer of help as he rowed his way towards the back of the aisle.

While he was thankful for her small display, for it didn't draw any attention to him, and he was wondering if he should've accepted it. The ground was somewhat soiled from the rains that had fallen days before, and with each impact he saw his crutches sink a little further into the ground. If he slipped he may possibly have a heart attack, joining his mother prematurely from pure humiliation.

He tried his best to shut it out, the insecurities gnawing at his skin. These people knew about his decision back in Manhattan, his every mistake as a child, and his every downfall since. How could he walk past them now, _alone_? Would he feel their judgement, their condescending glances of pity as he wobbled down the aisle? A man who was shot because he was brave enough to run into his Mami's school but not strong enough to save her?

His crutches came down as he lined himself up with the back of the chairs. Just centered in the aisle he pushed down to take a step forward between the rows, as he felt his right arm begin to slide. As his eyes darted towards the offending crutch, he saw it had landed on a limp coat sleeve halfway in the aisle. The weight of his body began dragging the offending article through a moist patch of mud, and just as he was about to slam his right leg down to steady himself, he felt a protective hand wrap around his left arm.

"Liv," he breathed, thankful she hadn't made any remark to draw more attention to them. She simply smiled at him, as he took in her appearance. She was wearing a long black dress, appropriate for the occasion with black shoes. He met her eyes quickly but not seeing an emerald green necklace with matching earrings that seemed to compliment his tie as perfectly as if they'd planned it. He had chosen the tie intentionally, because his mother had remarked on dark green bringing out his eyes.

Behind Olivia's back something caught Rafael's eye, as he leaned slightly past her to see. He caught the glimpse of an emerald green bow tie, but felt his crutch beginning to slip again, as Liv gripped tighter on his arm. He picked up his crutch offering a dirty look to the woman moving her jacket, but turned his attention back to the bow tie. When he, now steady on his feet, attempted to look behind Liv again, she leaned in blocking his view.

"I hope this is all right, I didn't get a chance to check with you. But he wouldn't let me leave without him. By the time I realized this wasn't a battle I could win, I had to try to find him dress clothes and we were already late," she whispered, hoping her eyes expressed the sorrow and uncertainty she felt. But before Barba could ask her what she was talking about, she let go of his arm and stepped to the side.

There in wrinkled black jeans, and a black button up was Noah. His eyes were staring at the ground, unsure if Rafael would be angry he was there. Immediately he noticed the glimpse of the green bow tie he had caught before, matching his mother's earring on purpose, and his own tie unintentionally.

"Nice bow tie," Rafael smirked, hoping to ease both Noah and Olivia's worry. While he wouldn't have invited Noah there himself because of his age, he trusted Liv's judgement. And in all honesty, having both of them by his side would give him strength. And he needed all the strength he could get today. Noah hearing the ease in his voice looked up hopefully, as he went to accept the compliment. But when his eyes spotted Barba's he saw the man motioning between them knowingly.

"Papi!" Noah exclaimed, forgetting his surrounding, "We match!" The outburst had drawn the attention of some of the guests, who looked up to see where the young voice was coming from.

Olivia's face flushed scarlet as she leaned down to gently reprimand Noah. Rafael looked down, seeing the shame on the young boys face. And all of his previous anxieties about what other people were thinking, vanished. His mother loved Olivia, and she'd be proud of them for standing by her son. Wanting to assuage her concern, he chuckled lightly,

"Yes mijo, we do," Rafael encouraged, poking Noah's leg playfully with his crutch. "But we need to take our seats now, come on," he instructed, smiling at Liv to let her know not to worry.

Liv gave him a thankful smile back, for understanding while Rafael led the way towards the casket. The attention had alerted Maria to his presence and seeing the _two_ people behind Rafael she instructed another guest to move back a row; so there were three vacant seats next to her, rather than two. By the time they made their way to the front, Rafael could feel everyone's eyes on the three of them, but he couldn't feel more proud.

The love of his life, Olivia Margret Benson, a Lieutenant, advocate, mother and then there was his surrogate child, Noah Porter Benson, compassionate, intelligent, and wise. How could he feel anything but pride? The unintentional collaboration of emerald solidified their look as a proper family, and he reached down to grab Liv's hand. When she pulled his hand between hers and into her lap, he felt Noah's little hand grasp at his wrist.

Olivia sat between the two boys, as they both looked across her to one another. It was through her they would both draw the strength to handle today properly. But when the priest walked up to begin the opening prayer, all the words began to blur together for Rafael. Like an out of body experience he just blinked through his tears, and tried to allow the tight grasp of Olivia and Noah's hands to keep him grounded.

The only thing that his mother ever wanted was for him to find love, to settle down and have a family of his own. It was then, she believed, he would find true happiness. And she was right, however now she was too late to see it, and it felt cruel. Cruel that he had denied her such a blessing of having Noah as her grandson, a blessing of watching Olivia walk down the aisle and join their family. All for what? Because he was too scared, too stubborn, too afraid to fight for what he wanted?

Could she see him now? His faith had told him yes, that she would watch over him and love him until they could meet again. But his head just felt empty, and hot as his tears poured down. Feeling Noah's hand release his wrist, he looked up to see Liv nodding encouragingly at him. He wasn't sure why, until he looked to the podium and realized that somewhere between his mental warfare and out of body experience, the priest had finished and Maria was in his place.

"It doesn't have to be a long memory, even just a few simple words,…" she continued, waiting for Rafael to gather the strength. It was then he realized this must have been the place, the time that he was supposed to get up and speak. It seemed almost humorous to him that he _just _realized he had nothing prepared.

The man who spent hours, days, weeks, months, doing nothing but planning. His entire life from law school, to every case thereafter, had been packed pull of plans. Plans so carefully articulated he could almost script the defenses arguments, writing counter attacks at every turn before they had even presented them.

Everything had escalated so fast. He hadn't even been released from the hospital more than twenty-four hours ago, and now he was at a funeral; his mother's funeral. And now, he was supposed to speak, supposed to have something prepared to say goodbye to the woman who was literally responsible for his existence. How could he have nothing prepared?

He took a deep breath, wiping his tears with his pocket square. While he hoped someone else would have stood to buy him sometime, no one did, and he looked to Liv once more who smiled and squeezed his hand one last time encouragingly. He grabbed his crutches and got to his feet a little unsteadily, as Liv hovered, waiting to catch him if needed. He walked the few short feel to the podium and placed his crutches on the side, holding himself up.

As he looked onto the group of people, he felt proud and so that's where he decided to start.

"Mami, would be proud," he began weakly, "Proud that all of you are here today in her honor, proud that she had so many who loved her, and whom she could call true friends," he could feel the tears welling up, and while he figured he would be emotional, he'd failed to consider he'd be giving a speak. A eulogy sure, but a speech none the less, and he wasn't positive he would be able to keep it together enough to make it through this.

For this was his last chance to offer a public goodbye, to the woman who had sacrificed her life, the woman who dedicated her life to helping others, just as he had. She deserved a proper goodbye, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, he felt a searing burning in his throat as he tried to choke back the tears,

"Lucia Barba," he began, swallowing harshly yet consciously aware you could hear a pin drop, even if the grass because the group has fallen so silent.

"Lucia Barba was one of," But his words, for the first time in his life, failed him.

Nothing came out, except tears. Because the man that stood before the group of mourners, was not U.S. district attorney of the Bronx, Rafael Barba, it was Rafa, son of Lucia Barba who had just lost his mother. There was no soliloquy planned, no string of ideas to stitch together, and no carefully constructed closing argument. There was only a man grieving the loss of his mother.

When he opened his eyes, blinking away the tears he looked to Olivia hoping to draw strength, but he saw her seat empty. For she was already at his side, handing him his crutches. She helped him carefully back into his seat, offering him a gentle kiss on the hand before releasing it. Though, instead of resuming her seat beside him, he saw Olivia whisper something to Noah.

The little boy then scooched next to him, as Olivia turned to resume the podium. He didn't know what to say, he had no idea what Olivia was doing. But he felt Noah's body lean against him, and he immediately lifted his arm, hugging him close.

"_For those of you who don't know me, which is, probably all of you," Olivia began gently, "I'm the better half to ah, Mr. US District Attorney Rafael Barba," she joked softly, "and the mother of your Rafael's, little mijo over there," she pointed causing a light chuckle to erupt from the seats. _

_It was clear enough people had witnessed the scene earlier, to know what she was referencing. _

"_I'm also, the first person who Lucia called when the school was taken under attack," she began more seriously, causing a few gasps of breath and a general silence to fall over the crowd. The call was something she hadn't even had a chance to discuss with Rafael, and while she knew what she wanted to say, she wasn't planning on speaking today and she wanted to tread lightly. _

"_If any of you are wondering why she called me, it's because I'm a Lieutenant with the NYPD. And while I don't want to go into any details of that horrific day," she added, seeing Rafael relax, _

"_I mention these facts to share one part of that phone call with you. It was a statement. One that I hope Lucia will forgive me for divulging without her consent, but one that I also feel if I didn't, would be a disgrace to her memory." _

_Olivia cleared her throat she looked out towards the attendants. All eyes were on her, including Barba's as she continued, _

"_I believe the news outlets have done a fair enough job of correcting their miscalculations of the scene, so I won't go into that now. What I will say is that she had already endured the injury, which took her life, when she had called me," Olivia dabbed at her own tears, threatening to swell up and over, but she knew she needed to do this for Rafael. She needed to be strong when he couldn't be. _

"_But she wasn't afraid for herself." Tapping her finger on the podium as if to make a point, she continued, "Understanding both the extent of her own injuries and the gravity of the situation, her only request, was that we save the children."_

_While Olivia knew there was one other request that concerned Rafa, she knew now was not the time to divulge that. _

"_You see, on top of making the __**only**__ incoming call for help that day, which saved hundreds in that school, Lucia had found, protected, and hidden an additional six children with her."_

_Maria and many of the friends in attendance looked horrified, and shocked to hear the events from someone who had actually been there. Furthermore they had no idea Rafael's wife, or girlfriend, was the one who had spoken to her last. _

"_So please make no mistake today, that while your hearts ache in unison for the loss of Lucia, and you grieve for a life that was cut __**too**__ short, a loss that cuts __**too**__ deep, may you grieve for those reasons __**alone**__. Because Lucia Theresa-anne Barbra's life was not lost in vain; she did not die without cause or purpose. No. Lucia Barba died a heroine, a martyr. For on that day, that horrific day, she saved not only the children with her, but – the hundreds of children's lives who could have been lost if she hadn't made the brave and selfless decisions that she did."_

_Tears were now flowing from almost everyone in front of her. She couldn't bring herself to look at Barba as he swallowed, knowing she needed to wrap things up. She was on the verge of becoming a mess herself, and that was the last thing Barba needed. _

"_Today I pity myself, for not having the chance to know her better. But I honor her life and memory, as I vow to love and cherish the legacy she's left behind, Thank you." _


End file.
